Si Meh and his house

cheryl's 2nd posting for the day.. she is wondering whether she will hav a 3rd posting at night?

cheryl is breakin down again.. she feel crazy.. she duno whu to talk to .. everyting is driving her crazy..

cheryl jus wan to go oversea.. n when my stupid mum heard that derrick is the onli guy.. she said.. 1 guy wif all girls.. muz b bu shan bu shi.. u dun b so stupid gana cheat by other guy also duno..

YA CHERYL IS STUPID CHERYL IS STUPID .. SHE IS CHEATED BY OTHER GUY BUT TT GUY IS NT DERRICK TAY IS CHUA JUN XIAN!!!!!... i realli feel like shouting at her n say.. ya cheated.. but nt by derrick.. we break nt cox of derrick is cox he like another girl.. cheated? YA I M BUT ITS NT DERRICK!.. i was at the edge of shouting it out.. but i control myself..

cheryl feel like cutting herself now again... she control.. she feel like cutting it right at the wrist.. ppl driving her crazy.. she feel so agitated right now.. she jus feel like cutting herself.. she like to c blood streaming down.. but she control..

all thanks to u.. my life is ruin.. in ur eyes i'm jus a pest.. a stupid pest which u said u care.. but i jus dun feel any.. words tt were say to hurt me is gg through my mind nw...

i realli feel like cutting myself now.. the time nw is 137.. its still long way to night.. cheryl duno she can control nt...

let me tell u stupid mother.. if it wasnt derrick whu is alway thr to cheer me up.. i wld b dead by now.. my hand will b more than jus 3 cuts.. i noe whu is the gd one ... i dun nid u to tell me.. i got eyes to c .. cheated? ya i was.. so dun bother to care for me whether i will b cheated again.. cox i alr did..

*staring at the 3 scar in her hand.. cheryl feel like adding some more to it.. she is at the edge of doin it.. n all thanks to her mum which make her feel agitated*

* oINkz * ---- Saturday, February 28, 2009 9:29 PM

haha jus bring mao for a walk.. she is so cute.. she dash to the slide n climb up the stair herself.. n slide down the slide while i m at the bottom waiting for her.. she is jus such a darling.. my love~~~...

cheryl feel tt life is jus so unfair.. the gd ppl alway mistaken as the bad one.. n the bad one is alway the gd.. her parent ask her.. " y no more" she keep quiet.. din say the real reason.. n when they c i alway wif derrick.. they tinkin .. muz b wif derrick tts y nt tgt.. fine.. i protected him.. i dun wan to say the real reason cox i dun wan my parent to dun like him..

n now.. his parent tot tt too.. ya best.. i'm the bad lady..

cheryl hope the scar wun ever go off.. so tt she wld rem wad tings were said to her.. n told herself dun contact him anymore unless he contact u himself.. cox u r jus a pest in his eyes.. a coackroach .. i noe u gg to say wad.. i doin pattern again la.. or wad tings.. but no.. i m jus finding a way .. better den keep tinkin of death isnt it? ...

i forever wun forget those words.. experience.. disturbing.. do pattern.. n wad.. haha...

the scar seem like healing so fast.. jus dun heal plz. cox i dun wan to make a new one..

well cheryl alway rem.. u r a pest.. well at least ppl giv u the impression tt u r a pest... so stop disturbing ppl .. haha...

cheryl wanna go oversea.. tts when she forget bout ting.. n feel tt she hav freedom...

cheryl wanna drink... aiming for her poly chalet.. cox she will go n drink!!!!.. as much as she wan ...

ppl dun bother to call cheryl la.. cox when she is hm either she will divert her call or off her hp.. anyting wan find me jus sms me... u will onli b able to reach me .. if i m outside...

next wk plan.. hmm.. mon.. outing wif fad.. tues.. badmintion wif guan they all.. wed thurs.. 1day at hm n 1 day c whether dardar freee nt.. fri.. maybe go mit guan jh n chun.. n sat.. perhap beach? i shall depend ba.. its either beach wif my mao mao or k box wif derrick... i jus wan my mao to b happy...

haha guess cheryl is crazy.. shall she c a doc? but at least she got her appetite comin... she feel better... but its those hurtful word tt she keep tinkin tt were said to her in the past..

* oINkz * ---- 4:40 PM

cheryl wun ever forget those word tt was said to hurt me..

haha.. jus take it as a experience? .. after all this.. n lots more tt i shldnt say.. haha..

saw his parent at compass pt... luckily i dun hav time to react .. n i jus say uncle aunty.. haha.. guess wad.. i wif derrick.. n i guess they tot i m wif derrick tts y we r no longer tgt? i hate it.. i feel so unhappy.. he's the one whu cheated on me.. but ended up.. i gt mistaken as the bad lady.. n words was said to hurt me.. haha.. guess hw the feeling is.. i jus feel so bu shuang..

everytime i look at the scar on my hand.. i told myself.. c.. tts.. ppl dun even bother about u.. care was all he said.. haha.. ya u r the bad girl.. u r the bad lady.. ur parent tot so.. n even now his parent tot so..

whenever i look at the scar on my hand.. those words tt was said to hurt me recall in my mind.. jus treat it as an experience.. how he shouted at me.. stop disturbing me.. ya... i m jus a pest..

now in my heart.. the onli one i love is my dog.. she make me laugh.. she make me smile.. i jus wan to bring her go out play.. i m happy to c her happy..

n thanks derrick.. realli thanks.. u r the onli one now tt can make me laugh...

cheryl noe whu realli cares for her..

stop sayin bout driving in front of me.. I HATE IT... I WUN EVER DRIVE!!!...

she is cryin now..

* oINkz * ---- 6:23 AM

cheryl hope these scar wun go away forever..

everytime cheryl tink of him.. hav the urge to msg him.. she will jus look at these scar.. n told herself.. so wad.. he said he care for u as a friend.. ya tts all jus so bullshit.. rem.. he shouted at u.. when u din even shout.. n he said tt to u.. haha.. n cheryl succeed in nt smsing him.. haha.. everytime she look at all these scar.. she wld told herself.. he dun even bother u r alive or death .. c..

cheryl has been real down for the past few days.. realli down.. thr r times when she jus wanna cut her own wrist.. n she was relieve tt she met up wif derrick yest for dinner.. though he was sick like hell he still acc her.. n jus late for 15min .. clap*.. he did make her laugh.. she laugh n she feel better.. this is wad i called real friends.. whu care for u.. REALLI CARE.. though cheryl has been tinkin sometime.. when derrick say i m nt irriating. she been tinking she might b to him.. jus tt he din say out..

whenever i look at all these scar .. alot of tots came to me.. esp.. cheryl feel tt the girl is so fake.. derrick was so scared tt i read his sms or c his photo.. haha.. i wun ever read de sms again.. bcox i find tings so fake.. n when he del his photo.. ive been tinkin alot.. is thr tings bhind my back? haha maybe they r even tgt? but so wad.. its none of my business anymore..

cheryl feel so crazy.. she is nt a normal girl anymore..

she hope these scar wun go away.. so tt she will alway rem .. wad ting were said to her.. its all bullshit.. or maybe cow dung? .. if it ever goes away.. she will make new one.. to remind herself.. WHU R THE REAL ONE WHU CARE FOR HER REAL INSIDE THEIR HEART.. WAD U SAY HURT ME.. I SHALL GO AWAY FRM UR WORLD...

cheryl duno y these few days she feel so crazy.. maybe she wanting care for him? but she knew no matter wad care he giv.. its nt frm right deep inside his heart...

derrick ask me.. hw r u gg to bring mao to beach next wk? by ur dad car.. n i said "no.. i hate driving.. i wun even touch a car".. thr is a strong hatred feeling inside cheryl about driving.. she hate them.. hate driving .. hate it to the core..

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* oINkz * ---- Friday, February 27, 2009 4:25 PM

痛？。。我已不知痛到地是舍么感受。。

我真的好累。。不知为舍么我真的好讨厌那女生。。我觉得她好假好假。。关心我。。问我还好吗。。说。。。“她还在哭吗？不直的为这种男人而哭。。”可是我听到的。。看到的。。却不是你所说的！！。。我心里现在给我的感觉是恨。。我恨死你！！！。。我一直告诉我自己。。我不能这么胡里取闹。。这不关那女孩的事。。可是这几天我觉得她好假好假`。。

脑里想了很多东西。。越想越伤心。。觉得自己好疯。。

人是会变的。。他以变成了一个。。自私。。自我为中心的人。。在他朋友当中。。他觉得他是最棒的。。对！！已前的你是最棒的！！。。可是现在你变成了一个只为自己而想的人。。一当你考到liscence过后。。你变得。。一个自以为是的人。。

可是最起嘛。。其他人懂得舍么是人心。。

我爱的是以前的他。。我每一次都告诉自己是我害他变成这样。。可是。。事实是吗？？

我真的好想死。。我好累。。

真的关心我的人始终还是朋友。。

在你眼里。。我只不过是一个一直纠缠着你的pest。。

我不想呆在新加玻。。带我出国玩好吗？

* oINkz * ---- Thursday, February 26, 2009 5:32 PM

..
cheryl's 2nd posting for the day..

she hope no one come n c her blog.. cox this is the onli place whr she can post all her feeling truthfully.. she can say hw she is feeling out.. she jus wan ppl to communicate peacfully n nt make her worst..

cheryl is feeling damn unstable this few days.. she feel crazy..

cheryl feel so crazy today.. she feel like she is some kind of crazy women tt shld go to IMH.. she feel so crazy.. since she come bk frm genting she hasnt been eating her medicine.. n nw.. even a small ting make her broke down n hurt.. her mind has been generating lots of thoughts today.. she cant control.. she is gg crazy.. some day she feel perfectly okie.. some day she feel worst of all..

ppl say.. dun worry i will b thr for u.. ppl say.. i care for u.. but whu realli care.. of all the ppl whu said tt..CHERYL NOE WHU CARES FOR HER..!!.. derrick is one.. von.. jialing.. si.. guan.. my poly friend esp xiuling.. they r the one whu truely care for me..

i noe tt i m jus some fucking bitch whu keep pestering u like a pest.. care.. ur care is jus bull shit!!!.. wad u said yest stuck right through my heart.. hurt me so much n yet tts wad u said.. though its jus one small ting.. but cheryl jus dont know y .. she feel so worst.. its realli a small ting...but perhap cheryl wasnt feeling stable at all this few days.. tt y it make her feel worst..

cheryl is nt ok today.. mention him n kinki totally make me break down.. CHERYL JUS HATE THE BOTH OF THEM TODAY.. SHE DUN WAN TO HEAR THEIR NAME..

ppl havin bbq.. ppl helping each other.. wad got to do wif u cheryl.. its none of ur business.. derrick show me a sms tt she send to him yest which he tink tt it will make me feel better.. well if its the normal day me.. it will make me feel better but today the me.. i jus tt the sms is jus so fake.. so so fake.. cheryl nw feel tt the sms is so fake.. she.. showing her concern over me? ITS DAMN FAKE!!!.. cheryl is losing control of herself right now.. "how is she now? still cryin?? its not worth crying over such a guy".. ya.. but frm wad i c she is doin.. it doesnt make me feel quite so.. concern.. ALL BULLSHIT.. CHERYL JUS FIND TRUSTING SO HARD NOW.. SHE DUN TRUST ANYTING .. ANYMORE PPL...

cheryl tot tt her illness is gone.. or its better after she come bk frm genting.. but it doesnt.. well maybe it did for a few days.. but yest.. cheryl broke down.. damn down... she is tinkin since she is jus a pest she might as well die.. be gone frm the world.. she has a strong desire to die.. she realli isnt ok.. she tried to hurt herself.. she tot the pain will make her desire to die go away.. but it didnt.. she dont feel the pain at all.. maybe it doesnt hurt as much as her heart? she dont know hw many hrs or hw long more she can control herself..

ppl jus bring cheryl go n c doc.. she cant control herself these few days.. she jus feel like crying.. she get hurt so easily.. even jus a useless ting... she is tinkin alot today.. she is imagining alot today.. everyting tt she is tinking..everyting tt she is imagine make her feel even hurt.. or jus bring her go out of singapore.. derrick.. u said u wan bring me go KL.. go phillipine.. whereever also can ... i dun care got whu.. even if its onli me n u.. i jus wan go out of singapore.. i dun care hw much.. i dun mind helpin u pay.. jus bring me out of singapore... cheryl is realli losing control...

the illness is driving me crazy... or maybe its my emotion.. n nt my illness?

thanks derrick for callin me today.. but it jus didnt make me feel better.. i duno y.. maybe cox my thoughts drive me so crazy.. cheryl jus hope tt thr is someone by her side nw..to let her cry .. to lend her a shoulder..

cheryl hate the 2 of them for today.. she hate her more.. she feeling tt she is just so fake.. cheryl jus duno y she feel this way..

cheryl is jus a pest.. a fucking idiot pest..

tis is jus hw.. she is feeling.................. for today.. might b.. few day ltr.. she will b better? if she is still alive..

stupid illness go away..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dun b affected by my blog.. she realli wan her friends to all communicate peacefully.. cheryl guess she is damn unstable this few days n wad he said make her feel worst.. n wad she hear..through the phone wif derrick today.. the bkground sound.. everyting today.. cheryl tots .. imagination.. kinki's fakeness of care..(or maybe real care?).. make her broke down

cheryl is curving for drinks.. she is tinking whether she shld sneak out of her hse alone tonight when all her parents r aslp.. so tt she can go n drink.. haha she feel so crazy..

* oINkz * ---- 3:26 AM

cheryl feel so naive to actually tink tt some ppl realli care for her..

can forget bout yest blog..

she is feeling realli moody.. she is feeling realli down.. ppl tot might be due to tt she din take her med.. it might b .. it might b nt.. tings make her feel down.. she clearly c hw someone change..

she is feeling lonely.. but she wanted to b alone for now..

she is tinkin aboutt those foolish ting tt she could do.. all she want to do now is to slp.. slp without waking up..

she is cryin now.. n hope tt someone is here to lend her a shoulder to cry.. to giv her a hug.. but she duno find whu..

she feel lost.. she duno wad she's doin.. realli is it cox i din take the med?

she's been tinking.. ya.. u said u care.. u realli care but inside ur heart i m jus a fucking idiot whu giv u trouble whu keep disturbing u.. care??? all those r jus bull shit.. i guess whether i m happy.. whether i m sad.. whether i m alive or dead u dun even bother..

fine..i wun disturb u .. for nw.. cheryl is gone frm the world this few days..

derrick.. whr r u to cheer cheryl up? she is scared she is tinkin of foolish ting..

cheryl is lookin forward to sat.. even if derrick were to ps her.. might b tai gong will cheer her up?? ...

cheryl jus cant help tinkin of d****... but she will survive till sat.. cox might b tt day she will b happier?? .. tai gong u said u dote on this tai sun right.. cheer me up.. i realli nid someone to make me smile...

cheryl wan to drink.....

* oINkz * ---- Wednesday, February 25, 2009 4:48 PM

cheryl decided to go MIA tmr.. n perhap fri too? she is feeling so down she dun wish to be contact by any1.. she is feeling very down.. she cried today again b4 mitting up wif jialing.. n she tried to control her tears.. n frm nw onward.. cheryl will b gone MIA.. on fri she will still contact jingyi tai gong n derrick cox she mitting them on sat.. she quite lookin forward to sat.. cox she will b cing tai gong n also k box wif derrick!!~~..

she duno wad she will b tinkin tmr she duno wad she will do tmr.. but she is realli feeling down..

within this 1 mth.. she noe whu r the ppl whu realli care for her.. whu realli did care from her deep inside their heart.. she wanna say thanks to all of her friends.. whu r thr for her when she feeling down.. tried to acc cheryl when they r free..esp derrick.. whu will ans my call n b thr for me when i m feeling extremely down.. no matter whether he is slping.. or wadever.. he will pick the call n chat wif me.. mit me when i m feeling down n cheer me up wif his stupid crap.. telling me those tings tt i duno.. which he tink will make me feel better.. listening to wadever i was sayin.. even those foolish stupid ting i done.. esp she rem.. when she was having her attachment.. she sudd break down.. she went n hide in a rm n call him.. she keep calling n caling n calling though he was slping.. till he ans..n he did ans.. he din scold her for waking him up..n even tried to cheer her up.. thanks u r a realli great friend..

n to derrick.. i noe u come here n peep at my blog.. dun tink i m tt stupid hor.. u too.. cheer up k? dun feel lonely.. u can alway ask me out.. u can also come find me when u r feeling down.. i noe sometime ur happiness is jus fake out too.. n please.. did quit smoking.. i said tt is cox i concern as a friend.. i saw hw ppl suffer from cancer when i m working in the hospital.. i noe hw suffering tt is.. i c hw ppl suffer.. hw painful.. i dun wan my friends to suffer like tt in the future.. esp those close one.. so please try n quit k?.. n ya.. like wad ur blog say.. lead a normal life.. dun alway go drinking too.. (though i guess i myself is addicted but i will control)..

n to u.. i realli DID NOT shout today.. sry if i sound like..

cheryl is reali glad to hav all her friends wif her.. after all those ting.. she find tt.. friends r the one whu realli did care for her..when things happen.. from deep down inside their heart.. thanks ppl...afterall.. friends r still the one whu u can giv some trust too..

ppl character do change.. dun they??? frm gd to bad? or from bad to gd? .. she nw can c hw clearly a person character change.. n she told herself she onli will change to a better character n nt a worst one..

cheryl feel hurt sudd for nw.. she still cant believe tt her trust has make her so heartbroken ... she regretted alot of ting she done.. she giv.. she hated to giv trust now.. no matter wad a person say... she will tink twice whther its real or its jus lies.. she felt hurt.. nth is even painful.. nth ...

she realli wanna go oversea.. n get out of singapore.. she dun like it here.. derrick u said find one day go KL.. i wan go.. i realli wan go.. i realli hate here..

cheryl is cryin.. she i hurt.. thr she go... gone for a few days*******************

she is feeling veri sad.. moody.. she is cryin but she duno whu to find...

* oINkz * ---- 3:57 AM

hmm.. guess this blog is somewhr tt i throw my feeling on..

hw shld i start.. hmm.. yest went to acc xiuling for body check up.. after tt loiter ard.. den late afternoon went to mit von.. haha guess after genting.. i've been curving for alcohol.. so thr me n von go to a longue..( duno hw to spell ) or a bar.. or a pub.. n bought a cocktail wif volka .. call snowball.. nice nehhh.. haha n onl cost 10.50!!..

n then derrick came to join us ard 8+ 9.. n went to a pub.. haha guess cheryl drink too fast.. 3 glass of chivas within an hr.. haha was abit gong..

nw cheryl is curving for drinkin again.. tink she is addicted.. n part of the reason is .. she is happy when she is drinkn n she din tink so much..

as for today.. cheryl was moody.. haha.. cox of a stupid dream she hav last nite? .. cheryl is feeling unstable sometime.. some day she is perfectly fine.. but someday she jus feel so down.. down to bottom.. she alway tell herself dun tink so much.. but sometime thoughts jus came to her when she is alone..

slpt at 12 last night n wake up at 3.. frm a shock.. n even when i slp bk.. i cont dreaming the same dream.. got so tu lan i jus dun wan to slp.. n so nw cheryl is feeling so freakin tired..

haha..

cheryl jus cant help tinkin.. sometime these thoughts jus come to her mind.. haha.. von said.. in a relationship trust is the most impt ting.. haha.. nw to me is bull shit!.. the more trust u put in.. the more hurt u r when tings go the other way round.. when u noe u r being betray.. its even hurtful.. cheryl will nv put 100% trust again in any relationship.. no matter hw nice the other guy is.. hw decent he is.. she nv will.. she used to put 101% trust.. without any suspicion.. but wad she get? hurt.. till nw.. sometime she will hav the sudd feeling of hurt.. n she will feel like crying..

jus like today.. she was moody the whole day.. she hate bugis.. she feel like crying sometime.. when sometime she said she is tired.. n close her eyes.. she is jus tryin to hold her tears.. but whu noe when she is alone her tears drip down again.. wonderin wads wrong wi cheryl today.. haha.. cried b4 mitting derrick today.. but hwever he did make me laugh for tt 1 or 2 hr.. thanks 16mm .. haha but when i gg hm on myself again.. tears jus drip down..

n whenever i feel hurt.. i feel hatred i will tell myself.. cheryl it isnt his fault totally u r part of it at fault too.. cheryl is feeling nth but hurt..

guess cheryl is feeling numb today.. as in.. she is nt scared of anyting.. in the past she is scared of taking blood.. but nw.. she can jus start at the needle poking in.. n taking out when she is takng blood.. she dun feel any pain.. anyting at all.. guess.. nth is more hurt..

n guess wad ppl.. i lost weight ever since tt day haha .. i din noe i lost.. cox i m alr very skinny.. drop frm 44kg or 45kg to 42kg.. omg.. n de doc tot i got anorexic.. irritating.. but luckily my appeittie got ABIT better when i came bk frm genting..

went to suan min for fun.. cox fad wanna go for palm reading.. so thr i saw this poker card ting whu look so interesting.. n so i went in.. n ask for love.. n u noe wad de suan ming shi say? haha..either u r single.. or jus broken off.. i got shock neh when he said tt.. n he said.. ur bf is being snatch away by other girl.. den i was like.. hmm.. half accurate.. haha n he said within this 3 to 6mth i will nv find a partner.. n even if i find.. he isnt my true love.. haha.. plz.. i dun even intend to find one for the time being.. so it doesnt realli matter.. n plus.. i dun realli hav much trust in ppl nw..

haha derrick sudd remind me of the bolt i wan.. aiya wan is wan also no money buy.. n i dun aim for tt someone to buy for me also.. nvm .. i go hug mao mao.. bolt~~~..

guess cheryl is getting slpy.. as in evry very slpy.. she doze off everywhr even when her friend is havin her palm reading..

oh ya ppl.. guess cheryl is gg MIA on thurs.. cox she noe her mind will wonder off again.. she will b moody for the whole day .. she alr decided to lock herself at hm.. cox she is afraid to drip her tear in fron of ppl.. thurs.. a day for me to enclosed myself..

ending here.. go slp le . eye closing...

duno y.. cheryl jus hate drivin.. tink is her tinkin tt affect her.. she told herself she wun drive at all unless thrs a nid.. she find driving scary.. she find driving evil.. she jus cant help nt to tink in this way..

feeling hurt~~ for today.. (hw to control my thoughts..haiii)

* oINkz * ---- 7:14 AM

hmm.. 2nd posting for today..

jus duno y.. ever since i come bk been emoing.. hmm..

but its a gd ting tt my appetite increase a little little bit since i come bk frm genting.. guess muz b over thr i too happy le bah.. cox on my 1st day thr i alr start eatin alot.. n they were very surprise too..

n well at least nw i dun hav the shock tt i alway hav.. n i wun cry for no reason.. at least nt tt often..

sometime thoughts in my mind will make me wanna cry.. sometime i jus feel like broking dwn.. sometime death jus recurred in my mind.. but i told myself i cant.. haha.. realli planning for trip to KL..

cheryl sometime tinkin.. trust is someting tt make u heartbroken.. u trust tt someone so much.. n yet.. when tings go the other way round.. it make u even heartbroken.. they say love nid trust.. but so wad.. can ting realli b trusted?

so cheryl concluded tt.. nv giv 100% trust to any1 .. even ur family.. ur friend.. ur love one..

duno hw come tis tots sudd come to cheryl's mind.. but cheryl jus wanna stay happy n make tings goes about peacefully..

tai gong 21th bday on tues.. shld i go? cox i met him onli once b4.. n i feel so weird gg thr alone...

* oINkz * ---- Sunday, February 22, 2009 4:31 AM

cheryl next target .. trip to KL..hope can stay as long as possible.. she dun like singapore..

once again cheryl nearly broke dwn yest.. luckily derrick was thr to make me smile.. he n his stupid joke..haha.. can say he is my kai xin guo? fighting wif him alway seem to make me laugh.. plz ppl.. dun mention tt someone or someting .. i jus realise i cant take it.. i dun wan to hate someone innocent.. but my feeling is forcing me to.. but i told myself i musnt.. cheryl is nt someone tt is so unreasonable.. mention tt someone someting make me heartbroken..

she feel like crying nw.. cox she is tinkin of ting.. she wanted to ask someting.. but she is scared tt wld make her heartbroken..

tried to laugh yest n tried to fake my happiness.. but i guess tt short while in pool wasnt successful.. haha.. no matter hw derrick make me laugh i cant smile.. n tryin so hard to fight bk my tears..

cheryl is soo tired.. she also duno tired of wad.. maybe life? haha..

cheryl jus cant help tinkin.. driving realli make someone character change? someone to b over confident on themselve.. i jus duno hw to say.. though cheryl pass her driving.. but she hate to drive.. cox she has the tinkin tt driving make someone change.. change alot... driving seem to b someting evil nw to her...

feeling heartbroken*..

* oINkz * ---- Saturday, February 21, 2009 4:26 PM

cheryl is back to sing.. but she dun feel like comin bk.. comin bk here make her emo.. she feel kinda down.. but she still hav to come back.. comin bk here make her ting of ting.. make her hav to stop herself frm doin things tt she was so used to it..

anyway.. cheryl realli did enjoy herself alot at genting.. she laugh alot.. she forget all the unhappy tings while she was playing.. she was realli realli laughin.. although sometime she c couple it will remind her of unhappy ting.. esp in the theme park.. but it didnt affect her alot.. she realli did enjoy herself..

her dream was to go wif him in the past.. n play lots n lots of game tgt.. n win bear bear but nw..it no longer can b fufil.. nvm .. derrick.. acc me go one day >.< ..

n guess wad.. on the 1st night.. cheryl went clubbin.. its the 1st time she ever step inside a club.. n gues wad.. the club stink like hell... cox they can smoke EVERYWHR.. haha but cheryl din dance.. she onli went thr to drink.. but din get drunk of cox.. but xiuling was vomiting all along till 4+am with jus one drink haha...

n on the 2nd night cheryl went pubbing!!.. hmm.. shld say is go bar.. haha.. n went thr for a drink again.. this time rd dun even dare to let xiu ling drink.. so funny.. n fad was pull up on stage to giv some entertainment cox its a bday... it was soo high n fun...

on the 2nd day went to theme park.. in btw was quite emo for awhile bcox she was tinkin of thing.. but she realli did enjoy herself.. she play lots of game tt scared the hell out of her.. which her friend all laugh at her.. haha.. but she dun dare to play the roller coaster... n we make a fool out of ourselve thr in the outdoor theme park.. n i guess all the ppl thr recognise us.. guess wad.. wif jus RM90 we win 8 bears.. 6 big one.. n 2 small one.. haha kinda play cheat though.. cox we sa jiao to the guy thr.. n all the 6 of us went ard the theme park wif 1 big bear each in our hand.. n guess wad.. thr is this guy frm arab whu is a GM in one of the restraunt in KL wana take photo wif us n the bear.. n he said if we go KL he wld treat us a treat!.. he even giv us name card haha.. n alot ppl keep talkin to us.. guess we realli did make a fool out of ourselve cox we r jus shouting all along haha..

n in our genting trip.. we make alot of fool out of ourselve too.. i guess.. cox alot ppl keep talkin photo of us.. while we were playin.. duno y.. hmm.. next time muz collect money...

cheryl wanted to go bk genting wif her friend.. she dun wanna come bk here.. she is tryin hard nt to tink of thing nw.. well.. at least she realli did enjoy herself in genting..

n guess cheryl realli slim down alot ever since tt day... cox when she bring her pants tt she used to wore in the past in genting.. de pant keep dropping down..

next plan.. KL.. if her parent allow.. can stay at evon hse.. hehe...

cheryl is feeling quite moody nw.. cox comin bk to sing make her feel so stress up.. time to eat med again..

tinkin whether shld i go tai gong 21th bday on the 24 feb.. hmmm..

* oINkz * ---- Friday, February 20, 2009 5:20 PM

cheryl has so much feeling.. so much feeling to say.. but she duno whu she can talk to.. whu she can confide in.. she is feeling torture.. she realli feel like dying.. she been tinkin alot today.. alot alot of tings.. the past.. n wad happen recently.. whu understand her? but nvm.. she got no motivation for her own life now..

haha can u guess wad cheryl told jialing today when she called me? " i realli dun feel like gg out today".. haha.. imagine this kind of word realli will come out of cheryl mouth.. bcox i realli dun wish to b in contact wif any1 today.. if its isnt jialing insisting tt she wanna come my hse to c mao.. i wun even step out at all.. i feel so break down since yest.. all the tings tt happen.. i dun wan to explain anymore ting.. i m tired..

cheryl regretted alot of ting she has done or she shld say hav given .. she been tinkin so much today..

n to u.. i m so sry.. from now on i wun even fan u anymore.. care is wad u say.. but i dun feel de real care .. de real real care frm u at all.. i wun fan u anymore.. sry..

cheryl is feeling so heartbroken.. she is feeling so lost.. she is tinkin alot.. she duno hw to motivated herself to live anymore.. she realli feel it so hard to control her feeling.. cheryl nw is nt scared to b alone.. cox she wanna b alone for nw... she wanted to lock herself.. she is feeling very down..

thanks jialing for insisting me to go out.. n somehow i tried to smile.. n thanks derrick.. even for tt little while u mit me alway tryin to fight wif me to make me laugh.. n of cox thanks derrick for the medicine u bought for me... cox scared tt i will hav motion sickness.. n even bought me panadol.. tts very sweet of u..

thanks guan.. wei he .. n yo.. n von..n surprisely even kok cai..for wishing me tt i enjoy my trip..

haha enjoy? i hope i will if tt idiot stop showing off her bf to everyone.. as in dun keep sayin it over n over again..

as for sat.. i dun care anymore bcox its no longer a motivation.. sry mao if i hai u cant go beach .. cheryl is realli tired n breaking down..

i'm feeling disappointed.. n realli thanks derrick .. u r so sweet.. n a realli gd friend...

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, February 17, 2009 6:09 AM

today i told myself i hav to b guai n i will cure myself.. i will try n tink positively.. but everyting make me cant keep my promise.. i look forward to today.. i look forward to tmr.. i look forward to this whole wk.. but everyting jus spoilt my lookin forward to.. i jus wan to leave singapore now.. i wan to go genting nw.. jus let me leave.. plz...

went to mit wif my poly friend.. i was happy i was tinkin postively but at the near end of the day everyting jus spoilt me.. ppl jus dun let me explain.. jus dun let me listen to me talk.. n tt stupid ppl .. come onli jus say hey.. fad i show u someting.. (bring out someting tt her bf giv her on vday..) n show it to ppl.. sayin.. my bf bought tis for my vday present.. ya right.. can u b sensitive to ppl feeling.. i jus break can.. although i nw slowly trying to overcome all this.. but u keep sayin bout ur bf.. n show off ur ting to every one keep talkin about ur bf. over n over again.. u noe hw i feel nt.. its nt u duno i break.. u noe okie...

its jus so hard to find someone whu realli understand my feeling.. i jus wan to find motivation to cure myself.. jus giv me sometime.. but everyting is so hard.. ppl misunderstand me.. ppl misunderstand him.. n dun even wanna giv me a chance to explain.. yest i finally found some motivation to keep me gg.. tt is sat.. but now its no longer a motivation.. u find me locking u.. n others keep sayin i still hav hope or wad so ever..

i feel lonely.. i feel empty.. i feel lost.. i feel heartbroken.. ya derrick u r right.. u r very right.. but wad can i do.. ppl jus tink tt i use it as an excuse.. its nt.. even when i m tgt wif him.. i m scared of lonely.. so nw.. i m even scared of it .. even more.. but ppl jus tot its an excuse.. i duno whether u all tink tt loneliness is an excuse tt i use to contact him.. but i m realli fear of lonely.. i noe i nid to overcome it myself i noe i nid to try n be strong myself.. tts y i m tryin to find motivation.. at least for nw.. begin with someting tt keep me goin.. but nw its no longer a motivation anymore..

i noe ppl find me irritating.. but i jus wanna find someone to say out my feeling .. to occupied my thought.. n slowly let go of ting.. but i jus cant find someone whu i can realli talk to .. realli can giv me patient.. i jus cant find tt someone.. whu got patient in me.. whu try to understand the ting i m doin.. n i guess i cant even understand myself

u noe wad i feeling nw.. i feel like dying.. i noe i once promise u i cant tink of it.. n dun even tink of tt.. but everyting is making it so hard.. i tried.. i even tried to find motivation myself.. but tings jus spoilt it.. i m realli tired of explaining ting.. tired of even findin tings to motivated myself..

frm nw on.. cheryl shall jus keep her feeling to herself.. she wun say out hw she feel anymore.. ppl alway say.. its better u say out ur feeling.. dun keep it to yourself.. but nw.. i find it worst when i say out my feeling.. ppl misunderstand it.. even my motivation doesnt seem to work now.. i m reali tired.. tired of life..

i feel so soffocating.. so xing ku.. i alr decide to cure myself yest.. wif a strong will.. wif a motivation.. but everyting jus spoilt it now.. my motivation is no longer there..

derrick.. everytime i talk to u.. telling u hw i feel.. esp today.. i realli hope u r beside me.. at least lend me ur shoulder cox u r the one whu realli understand me.. whu realli dun treat me like an alien.. someone wif some mental disorder.. hw i wish u can lend me ur shoulder nw.. u r the onli one whu understand my feeling cox u went through b4..

if u all realli tink tt bring me to a psycharist will make me better den jus bring.. i dun wan to detest it anymore.. i dun wan to kang ju it anymore.. cox nw i realli gt no will.. no motivation.. to keep myself gg.. jus bring me go then.. jus come my hse n dig me out n bring me go.. i got no will nw..

cheryl jus wan to leave singapore.. n hope she herself got into some accident in genting n die.. she realli gt no will no motivation..n she is tired of explaining her feeling.. expressing her feeling out..

derrick.. thanks..

n of cox thanks jialing too.. u giv some patient to listen to me talk.. n try to understand me..

* oINkz * ---- 3:48 AM

firstly happy vday to myself..

cheryl is crying nw.. nt cox of the matter... but she feel scared..

she realli hate the method n feeling she hav each time she wake up.. whu understand hw suffering she is..

she wld wake up in shock.. everytime at 5+ 6+ 7+..no matter hw late she slp.. whenever she wake up she is ver tired.. she wan to slp bk.. but its so difficuit.. she find it so diff to breathe.. she breathe in n out like wad si say but it doesnt help.. she will roll about in her bed.. tryin to get some slp.. but she feel so tense.. like someone is holding her dwn tt she cant breathe.. everytime she woke up she wanna find someone to talk to calm her dwn .. she feel so tense.. she hate herself for behavin like tt.. being a nuisence for everyone.. she is tired she wanna slp.. but she fear the feeling of waking up each time.. the feeling .. tt scary feeling.. n so she ended up waking up at 5+ 6+ 7+ cox she totally cant slp.. n she wld stare into space in her living rm.. to calm herself dwn frm tt scary feeling..

she realli find herself so crazy..

si gg work le.. ppl free plz find me out.. i guess without her.. i find it even hard to calm myself dwn each morning

* oINkz * ---- 4:30 PM

today.. 13th feb.. no longer anni.. well its also my driving test!!.. guess wad? i pass.. but well i arent happy cox i dun intend to pass.. nw.. i wil hav is date printed on my liscence.. n so thr i go wanting to apply for liscence after i pass.. n guess wad.. i Q for 2 n half hr.. it make me go bonker.. i realli pei fu my patient for today...

n guess wad? went to k box wif si n yo.. n guess wad? got rm 13!!!.. irritating.. forever also 13.. hai.. but nvm ..

n guess wad? cheryl broke dwn today..

hmm.. n after tinkin through alot of tings.. i guess its time cheryl let go.. no use holding on to someting tt doesnt belog to u isnt it? haha.. still friends oh?

n frm today onward cheryl arent gg to cry bcox of this matter anymore.. she told herself maybe its time for her to hunt for a better guy .. or maybe remain single? haha..

hmm.. nw she found no motivation to make herself recoever frm her illness.. but cox of her friend .. she muz.

ppl plz ask me out when u free.. when i'm alone i tend to tink of alot of ting.. which make me worst.. try nt to.. but this stupid illness of mine make it hard..

13th feb.. cheryl told herself.. dun daydream anymore.. tings dont alway goes the way u dream of.. so its time to giv up.. n today shall b de last day u shld cry over this matter.. time to let go cheryl.. n this date 13 no longer is a special day.. oh ya.. its is a special day.. black fri.. haha.. trying to b lame myself..

cheryl tried eating her dinner but she gt no appetite.. ever since the 2nd day of chinese new yr.. she hasnt been eating much.. she tried.. but each time fail.. she sort of having her gastric nw.. hw she wish her appetite wld come bk.. guess cheryl is losing her weight nw..

ok frm today onward.. she shld let ting go.. n be her happy self.. BUT PPL PLZ ASK ME OUT WHEN U FREE!!..

cheryl is still tinking about her bolt~~~~~ ..

* oINkz * ---- 4:46 AM

hai.. y ppl jus dun blieve cheryl has alr let go.. she wun b sad.. she wun cry over tt ting again.. but she is jus scared to b at hm alone.. cox tt make her feel like no one is wif her.. make her feel tt she has no friend.. i noe it isnt this way but alone at hm jus sudd bring me fear when i nt even tinking of ting..

i jus wan everyone to b tgt in peace.. nt cox of someting tt is due to me n make thing goes e other way round.. she wan everyone to b gd friend.. is it realli tt hard?

i noe ppl say cant b let go of ting so fast.. of cox nt completely.. even though will tink of past but it din make me feel hurt or sad.. n i din hav phobia gg out alr.. n facing mao..

the most impt ting to let cheryl be nw.. isnt it first ting.. dun let her start worry bout ting again. let her b happy? .. so tt her illness can cure.. she no longer cry for tt matter..

cheryl wishlist nw.. is to hope every1 b friends again.. n nt cox of me.. against one another..

well n guess today is a busy busy day for me... went to jl hse play mahjong!!!.. n guess wad.. first time i play wif tai.. cox beginner.. i earn 70c!!.. though nt tt much but i m still happy!!.. win all by myself neh!~~~~

* oINkz * ---- 3:00 AM

hai.. cheryl jus hate the feeling of waking up as in.. duno y forever she wld jump up frm her slp.. n feel scared.. everytime she will breathe in n out but it jus din calm her dwn .. n no matter hw she wan to slp bk.. SHE JUS CANT!.. okie n ever since cheryl took the medicine.. it make her feeling like puking for nearly half of the day n it make her diarrhoea!! jus imagaine she shyted 3 time within an hr SINCE SHE WAKE UP... but whenever she is outside she will try nt to dhyt.. argz.. still muz eat ltr.. god bless me..

laalal~~.. n cheryl is very happy yest!!!.. went to minds cafe wif jialing..si n derrick.. weird combination!? n i hav difficulty wakign derrick up n guess wad? wahaha.. he is earlier den jialing n si cox i told him we mit 1.. but instead we mitting 130 n he reach at 115!!!.. wahaha...

at 1st the minds make me wanna slp.. den hor when we started playin pictionary cheryl was very very awake!!!!.. stupid derrick SAY MY BULL LOOK LIKE HAMSTER!!!!!..N DUNO WHICH KUKU SAY LOOK LIKE RABBIT!!.. hump!.. they r laughing at my drawin lo..

den after tt went to suntec to fix derrick stupid hp haha.. his hp jus went hospital.. n i hav to collect for him on tues.. i request it myself one.. cox i noe he will get lost thr if he were to go alone!.. stupid bird.. n den went to arcade.. at first.. cheryl tot she will b scared of gg arcade cox the ting thr will bring her memory but ended no.. maybe she was in a gd mood ba.. derrick spend 4 buck n catch no bear.. lousy u.. wahaha...

den went walking ard.. went toy ......... duno wad la duno hw to spell den shop tt sell toy at suntec.. again cheryl tot tt she will b scared but no.. but still she will tink of the past but it doesnt make her emo.. well as again maybe she is in happier mood?

hai waking up at 8 n bring mao out to walk at 8+ become cheryl rountine.. time to eat med soon!!.. hai can i jus dun?

* oINkz * ---- Saturday, February 07, 2009 4:56 PM

writing blog nw become cheryl's way to calm herself down.. become cheryls way of communication herself.. n become cheryl way to say out her real feeling.. she dun care whu read it.. n whether anyone read it.. she jus feel like this is a place whr she can vent all her feeling on..

went to c huang jing luan today wif guan.. n well of cox it remind her of some unhappy ting.. but she told herself.. dun keep on tinkin.. if nt i will nv step put of the hole..

it remind her tt hw he used to acc her to c those idiol.. although he is nt willing to.. cox of the hot weather.. but he still go wif her.. n nw whenever cheryl c her choco fondue tt she got on her bday it make her upset.. bcox the reason y she wish for a choco fondue is cox she wanted to share wif him.. n she was sooo happy to recieve it on her bday.. but she become sick after tt.. n nw theres no change to share wif him any more..

she regretted of wad she has done.. she regretted to take him for granted.. nw she noe her mistake.. she noe tt its part of her fault to change him into this way.. cox her temper n all.. but some ting she dun wish too.. but its all the illness tt force her to.. but of cox smeting is her fault she noe..

ppl alway tell her.. "cheryl.. stop pushing the blame on yourselve.. its nt entirely your fault tt he leave u.. stop blaming urself.. u alway feel guilty.. tts nt a gd ting" .. well.. but nw she noe tt its her fault.. n of cox nt entirely.. but the whole ting that raise up tis prob is my temper.. n de way i do tings.. if i nv do tt.. den he wun change to someone whu is so heartless? .. well no point of regreting nw.. cox.. nth can save it back.. well.. nt everytime theres a miracle isnt it..

n sry for making u piss off tis afternoon.. i realli duno wad to do.. si dun realli like me to msg u.. but sometime after msging u i feel better.. i was realli in a deliema.. (duno hw to spell ..hee).. duno sms u or dun sms u in case si angry.. n WAIT .. i mean after msging u i feel better doesnt mean i still hav the hope u will come bk.. in case misunderstanding happen..

i noe hoping for ur return is impossible.. unless miracle happen.. but miracle dun usually happen haha.. WAIT..i say this nt cox i hoping.. hope is hope facing the reality is facing the reality.. hmm.. cheam...

well.. cheryl keep on tinking about the motivation tt realli strive her on.. to become better.. but she duno she can use wad motivation.. haii... hmmm... anyone wan to spon her present? so tt she got the motivation to cure her illness faster..? haha cheryl jus love present.. well but i gues none will b so generoous so for nw.. the motivation to strive her is .. cox of her friend.. she will get better..

but of cox cheryl will still break dwn sometime.. when she is feeling scared n lost all of a sudden.. when she gt nth to do.. n when alone.. cox of her stupid illness but she is realli hard to control.. she become esp scared when her mind wonder ard.. n it usually happen when she is aloe.. or she is feeling damn damn damn bored..

cheryl told herself nw tt she muz overcome her illness.. n muz nt be so stubbon anymore.. but she cant promise hw long she take to overcome.. cox the more she force herself de more stress she is..

n ppl.. dun b like me regret.. (n dun b like derrick) ..regret when tings happen.. haha jus add his name for fun.. well i duno y i m in happier mood nw.. guess i m naturally in a better mood at night.. but well i noe tmr morning i will wake up wif fear.. cox duno y .. i alway jump up frm my slp wif fright..

well.. cheryl duno y everytime she c food she feel like puking.. jus dun understand y even though she is hungry.. the sight of food realli make her puke.. she is so scared of cing food.. but she promised tt she will eat.. but of cox nt alot.. she will try little by little..

cheryl jus hate her medication.. though it make her calm dwn more easy.. but it somehw make her sooo slpy.. wanna vomit.. stomach discomfort n diarrhoea!... but neverthelss cheryl still go out.. cox she is scared being at hm worsen her condition..

hai n cheryl realli tinking.. m i realli crazy.. sometime i m sooo happy n sometime i feel so depress.. i like have double character sia..n when i m very depress i ink of all sort of ting..

n realli realli verui sorry to u.. for wad i done in the afternoon..

* oINkz * ---- Friday, February 06, 2009 5:32 AM

read through the prev blog if u were here cox theres some part of ting i wanna say to u.. plz.. onli msg me onli if u realli concern about me.. frm ur heart.. n nt cox its part of ur responsibilities it make me like this.. n nt cox of guilt..

cheryl jump up frm her slp.. she feel scared n lost .. like hw she felt sometime when she was in her poly life.. n nw she feel sense of loneliness.. wake up n her dog wad waving her tail wanting to play wif her.. but she feel sudd fear .. she push her dog away.. wad worst she has to force herself to walk the dog every morning..

after taking her medication .. she sudd lost control.. feel irritated.. feel scared.. feel agitated when he mum talk loudly at her.. keep asking her ting.. or when she heard her sis n her mum shouted, arguing at each other.. she feel her heart pumping.. she feel scared.. she duno y.. is it cox of her illness or her medication.. she feel so torture.. she realli scared .. she is scared.. she cant control.. she cant stand the fear she has been having.. n lead her to do someting stupid..

effect of the medication.. haha one of it is to increase the risk of sucidal thinking... well.. i hope i wun get effect.. but i realli find it torturing..

xl say.. although all those symptoms u hav it when u r stress.. they dont realli affect u.. but its only when someting realli make u broke down.. tts when all this ting become worst.. n i guess i noe wad make all this worst..

haven eatr med yet... cox i dun hav the appetite to eat.. n de medicataion nid to b eaten after meal.. whu.. whu can help me become okie.. so i dun nid a pSychiatrist i dun nid the medication

* oINkz * ---- 4:46 PM

cheryl is crying nw.. she has jus come hm after mitting xiu ling.. she hate her mother does she hav to dig out everyting.. keep askin me y my friend din come our hse anymore.. y broke off? wad.. wad u wan me to tell u.. COX HE DUN LOVE ME ANYMORE COX HE DOESNT REALLI LOVE ME COX HE LIKE OTHER GIRL.. wad u wan me to tell u.. JUS STOP ASKIN ME THE REASON STUPID MOTHER.. plz dun agitated me plz dun.. i m feeling scared again..

n to u.. plz dun sms me.. i duno u is realli care for me.. or jus guilty for treating me like tt.. do u noe i hav a hard time forgetting u.. if u dun wan me to start to rely on u again.. den plz stop msg me.. i noe u jus wanna show ur concern.. do u noe tt when u msg me.. i will tink of u.. i will tink of the past i will tink of hw u treat me.. i will keep on wanna msging u.. do u noe tt everyday i hav the urge to msg... n everytime i hav tt urge i realli feel like throwing my hp away..

do u noe hw scared i m nw.. do u noe hw much i realli wan to forget ting.. but its so hard.. do u tink i dun wan to tink positively.. i wan .. but its so hard to control.. i m feeling so scared when i m hm.. facing a stupid mother keep asking me de reason.. facing a dog tt bring me damn alot of memory.. facing a rm tt keep remind me of ting... i hope for ur concern.. i hope for ur care.. but wad.. it jus make me rely on u.. wanting u to reali care for me.. but tts nt possible.. nt possible at all i noe..

true love r jus hard to find.. finding someone whu realli love u.. whu will stay wif u after knowing ur illness.. will understand u for everyting u hav done (even those u nt willing).. whu will stay wif u 24hr... whu will realli care for u.. whu allow u to rely on.. whu will stay wif u no matter wad happen.. all this is so hard to find.. n dar.. treasure han.. cox i noe he realli care for u.. he make u grow up .. he make u feel bless... he giv u happiness.. dun b like me..

cheryl is realli tired of living .. ppl alway say life is short so u muz treasue every moment.. but to me my life seem so long.. i jus wish it wld end nw.. ppl alway telling me to tink postive try n occupied urself.. i noe.. sayin is easy but its so hard to do.. eating de medicine make me feel like vomiting the whole day.. cheryl is feeling so tired.. doin someting interested her.. to occupied her.. ppl telling me.. but i duno wad to do.. evryting i do halfway through i will stare to daze.. n start wondering off my mind..

but somehw wif xl accompany today.. i din manage to tink of ting.. BUT WHEN I COME GM MY FUCKING MOTHER MAKE ME LOST CONTROL.. Y U MUZ ASK SOO MANY TING U NOE IT AGITATED ME N MAKE ME FEEL SCARED MAKE ME REM TING.. i m lostig control of myself now.. plz plz god stop me..

ppl if u free plz ask me out plz..
n nv promise someone or say someting tt isnt from ur heart.. because when tings happen.. tt someone noe it wasnt true its double worth of hurting..

i wish for ur concern.. i wish for ur care.. but ur concern n care somehw make me feel luan.. it nv giv me hope cox i noe theres no hope no miracle..

n ppl if u tink u realli found someone u realli love... treasure them .. n ppl if u tink tt u realli love tt ppl.. den make sure u understand everyting.. b willing to stay wif him/her when tings happen.. nv start wooing someone bcox u desire for love.. make sure u realli love her/him.. be willing to stay by him/her whenever ting happen..

cheryl regret.. so dont be like her.. n nw she has to face her illness.. no matter he is worth or nt worth for ur love.. as ppl say.. he cheated on u..hes nt worth for ur love.. but she noe tt he once care for her.. although tts nt realli the true true love..

n once again i nv said tt to want for ur return.. its jus a part of my feeling..

wad cheryl wan is true love.. someone whu will keep by her side.. understand her .. understand tt all she done in the past is nt wad she wanted to do.. n nw she is facing the problem.. alone.. but nvm...

cheryl noe tt she has to tink postive.. but sometime she jus cant help tinkin tt she is an alien.. diff frm other ppl.. she is jus a crazy girl.. n no one will love a girl like her.. cox de ppl nid a hard time.. nid a hard time to tolerate her.. nid to take time n talk sense to her when she start to do ting.. have to b patient wif her.. whu? whu is willing to find n love someone so troublesome.. i bet none..

mum plz stop askin me.. i dun wan to lost control.. plz.. i feel so lonely at hm .. it make me lost it giv me memory

* oINkz * ---- 2:39 AM

firstly.. wanna say the entry i wanna u to c is the previous one.. nt this..

been to c a doc.. n he say he suspect i m having anxiety disorder also or mostly is anxiety disorder.. n he giv me a medicine 'fluoxetine'..read through the medication n i realise it had some or quite alot of serious side effect..better nt to take it if i can control..wad worst the medication cant be stop abruptly hai..eat got side effect dun eat can become worst.. wth.. hai the doc wanna refer me to a psychiatrist somemore.. either at IMH or private hospital.. but i told him can i jus eat the medication 1st cox i afraid i will leave a data base there n will affect my career..

i m scared.. ppl plz make me make me overcome this.. i realli dun wan to c a psychiatrist.. i nid ppl company i cant be alone my mind will wonder but ppl r too busy.. busy wif their work.. n thanks to u for leaving me alone nw.. making my illness worst.. si gg start work le.. if i realli nid to go c a psychiatrist whu can acc me? everyone is busy.. i dun wan my parent to noe.. i m scared.. very scared.. whu understand my feeling now..? whu understand the fear i m having.. i nid ppl but whu can i find... ppl r busy.. u left me alone .. nt i wanna rely on ppl but i realli cant survive it alone.. nw.. whenever i m alone i will tink of the past.. my dog bring me memory.. the first step is to make myself happy i dun even noe how.. i feel so tense up now my heart is pumping very fast.. like wad the web have said..

ppl alway tell me.. find ppl go out... dun stay at hm u will imagine ting.. but whu.. whu can acc me out.. whu can make me dun imagine ting.. when si start work i will b all alone again.. everyone is busy.. i wan work but theres no work.. i m realli scared.. but whu can understand me.. whu noe my fear.. whu can help me.. even if i go psychiatrist they will say make urself happy.. but hw to b happen wif all this ting tt happen.. to c a dog.. to c a rm .. to c a hse tt make me sad.. cheryl is realli scared ..scared tt she cant take it n commit sucide.. she is scared whu noe her fear? she dun wan to commit sucide but she is scared all the stupid imagination will make her to do all this..

when she c food nw she feel like vomiting.. she totaly dun wan eat but she still hav to force herself swallow dwn all this.. cox of her parent ard..

she duno where to say her feeling out so she jus write here.. she is scared.. this illness is realli driving her crazy she is gg to collapse soon.. she shld hav seen a doc when they r still tgt at least at tt time he can help her overcome this.. but nw she has no one.. she is scared.. whu understand my fear.. hw afraid i m..

been reading through bout anxiety disorder.. n i found out this which is so right to hw i feeling..

Anxiety disorder is a blanket term covering several different forms of abnormal, pathological anxieties, fears, and phobias. (persistent or irrational fear). Anxiety disorders are frequently accompanied by physiological symptoms that may lead to fatigue or even exhaustion.

Anxiety disorders are often debilitating chronic conditions, which can be present from an early age or begin suddenly after a triggering event. They are prone to flare up at times of high stress.

Anxiety can be accompanied by headache (which i have long ago), sweating, muscle spasms, palpitations(which i have it), and hypertension.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/anxiety-disorders/complete-publication.shtml.. a website with more info .. under generalized anxiety disorder.. if ppl noe me well i tink u will realise i hav all of them.. i m scared.. this illness is bringing me fear.. i feel like i m a alien nw so diff frm other .. i bet no one will love me anymore wif my prob.. ppl tense to be scared of crazy ppl arent they?

whu can help me i noe i muz help myself but i hate my hse now i hate my dog.. everyting bring memory for me .. if ting isnt like tt .. i tink i will be able to overcome it more.. but got no use to regretting..

whu noe my fear whu noe hw scared i m.. whu noe my feeling? whu noe hw this illness bring m suffer.. i jus feel like banging de wall making me forget every unhappy ting..

i dun wan let my family noe cox they r nt understable.. if ppl noe my family well n i noe u do..

cheryl is scared.. outside bring her memory making her tense up n start imaging ting.. even at hm also.. hw hw HOW CAN CHERYL SURVIVE!!!!!!.. tts y cheryl rather go derrick hse.. cox tts de place whr there is no memory.. no memory at all..

* oINkz * ---- Wednesday, February 04, 2009 3:19 AM

Y R U SO CRUEL SO CRUEL TO DUMP ME WHEN I M FEELING LIKE TT..

i m feeling totally lost nw i'm scared to hav no one to rely on..

i wan to c a doc.. i wan to noe wads wrong wif me.. i wan ..

ur caring seems so fake to me..

i got someting to tell u cox i noe u will come here.. u have change.. change to a diff person.. someone whu become so self-center.. someone whu tink u r the best among ppl.. someone whu is over-confident.. (someone whu tink tt u r correct in everyting- i noe i m but u r too).. n nw someone whu is heartless n selfish.. i said tt nt cox hw u treat me.. but this is hw u hav change.. to a person i dun even noe whu.. u r nt like tt in the beginning n i'm sry if i make u change to tis way.. think through the time when we r still tgt.. wad u hav said bout our clique.. u hav jus change.. no longer the usual jx i noe.. i said i will hate u but its jus to let me forget.. i dun hate actually hoping for ur return is impossible.. if someone realli love me de ppl wll understand everthing i undergo.. find out more about wad the illness is like.. n one of the symptoms about anxiety disorder is to keep worry bout ting.. tts y i've been worryin all the while for those essential ting.. i noe tts one ting tt make u piss off..

i noe the real reason u leave me is cox somehw u found her tt is more attractive to u.. no or shld i say .. u wan all those freedom tt i din giv u.. u hate it when i alway ask u to acc me.. u hate it when i keep worrying thing here n thr.. u hate it when i worry for nth.. u hate it when even when there is ppl ard me i still wan for ur accompany cox i m jus feel more comfortable wif ur presence ard at tt time.. u hate it when i alway sms u n keep wanting ur reply asap keep calling u when u din reply.. u hate it when i keep throwing my temper at u.. n overtime the love has gone off.. n i noe tt isnt true love.. cox true love will make u stand by me when all this ting happen.. when u noe wad i suffering frm.. i noe i m a alien.. i dun even noe myself.. i dun blame u for dumping me after wad i hav treat u cox even i myself dun like myself.. being too reliable on u.. n i bet tts one ting u dun like too..

u wan to hav ur freedom.. esp nw when u gt ur driving liscence u wan to be able to drive at late night.. n dun hav someone to keep waiting for ur phone call n can piss off when u nv put her into the first place.. u wan a girl whu is like the past me.. when i haven step into poly.. someone whu let u do ting.. someone whu dun keep pestering u.. someone whu will care for u when u sick.. someone whu will fetch u offwork like hw i used to be like.. someone whu will try to cook for u even she duno hw like i used to b like.. i'm sry but my illness is causing me to change.. i din say this cox i wan u to return i noe its impossible n nt possible.. cox i noe nw u hate me.. or shld i say.. u feel so relieve nw to get me off u.. i will fight my illness.. i wan the own me when i m in sec sch..

or shld i say u dun even wanna hav a relationship nw to hav ur freedom..

ending here.. cing doc soon.. but well i hav alr confirm my diagnosis cox i'm a nurse n i study all those.. jus tt i duno hw to handle..

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, February 03, 2009 11:04 PM

cheryl wake up n start to tink about those happen moment in the past again.. but she dun wan his return.. she started to hate him.. i noe u will say i m being unreasonable n stubbon or wad.. but den cheryl told herself she musnt hate..

cheryl regretted tt when they were jus 3mth tgt.. cheryl wanted to break up.. cox she feel neglected n doesnt realli love.. but she was so soft hearted to c him cry .. so she agree to patch bk.. n as yr grow.. the love grow.. well.. derrick told me he nt tt bad either.. ya i noe he wasnt.. but.. well.. i duno.. he sort of change to a selfish ppl.. without understanding.. he started to b more self-centered.. more. well.. this is wad i been feeling as yr grow.. well sry to say tt.. but i duno is it my fault to make him change.. but i shldnt keep blaming myself in order nt to get my illness worst..

i got 3 diff reason tt was given to me.. 1st time cox he love another girl dun wan lose the chance..2nd cox of my temper.. 3rd cox he hav found wad he wan.. which i duno wad is it.. HAHA ARENT I STUPID DUNO WHICH IS THE REAL ONE!..

but well i gg c doc ltr so dun worry k? i used to avoid n feel like sms him but nw..! i m dun even wan to find him.. used to tell me realli love me.. but then love should be understanding.. acc me gg through all this i i m suffering.. but well it doesnt matter nw... though i still tink of thing in the past.. cheryl nw is gg to let go.. i used to say in my prev blog.. in cheryl's logic.. there is no such ting as lover cannot become friends... but wad happen yest make it seem like impossible.. i noe u shouted at me to make me giv up.. but i realli dun like it when u shout at me to c a doctor.. i feel like an alien.. n i feel like u r telin me its my fault for havin this illness.. i duno is it wad u tryin to say..

derrick told me to find a better guy.. but then i telll myself i wun anymore.. gd guy r hard to find.. ya so... maybe i will find a girl? haha...

verna.. m i gg to become like u too? nw i understand y i care so much for u when u wasnt ard.. when u feel sick.. cox i noe hw u suffer.. ya.. i understand... no one understand hw torture is it unless they undergo it.. the kind of feeling lost n scared the kind of doin ting when u duno de kind tt u cry w/o reason.. i reali understand u nw verna.. y u used to say i dun care hw much i hav for my pay.. but de most impt ting is it make me happy.. i understand all this nw.. but i arent lucky like u to hav someting happy.. haha.. instead of havin happy.. i hav someting tt make me sad.. n i nid to handle nt onli the prob i hav ever since poly but also.. hw to handle myself of the breakup.. esp all the ting i given.. i hav both to handle nw.. can cheryl do it? jus msg verna to ask her .. cox i tink she is the most suitable ppl to find.. hope she understand me..

gg driving nw.. well i realli cant concentrate n i havin fear of drivng.. n it cause me to nearly langka 5 time.. hai today gg circuit worst.. more memory..

* oINkz * ---- 4:41 PM

alot of ting happen today.. n i cfm myself to have anxiety disorder.. i say my symptom out to xiu ling n she told me tt if it is nt handle properly.. i will get depression n i now i m on the way to get it..

ever since poly life i hav been havin this problem i noe..

i also dun wan it de.. y r u blaming me? i rather i dun hav them if i can control.. u dun hav to shout at me it hurt me.. i noe i have been keepin fan u.. sry.. but u dun hav to blame me cox its nt someting i wan n can control.. i rather hav support than blame.. i jus feel so hurt when u shouted at me to c doc.. i noe i gt prob.. i m jus afraid to face it.. but nw even i m scared i stll hav to..

i m scared to c a doc..

si.. i tink u r right.. a guy doesnt mature till 30 or 40.. since he dun understand me.. even when since poly i've been having it..n i noe u find me a burden whenever i cry even when nth.. sayin sry to u here.. but someting i do i cant even control.. unless after i do den i noe i m wrong.. sry.. if had a choice i also dun wan them..

n thanks derrick for ur understanding.. i noe i hav been troubling u recently.. sry.. n thanks for wad u have said.. it make me feel tt i m nt an alien cox of my prob.. n it doesnt make me feel like ppl r blaming me.. ur sentence realli make me dun feel like a alien.. " even if u having tt kind of problem. it can be cured fully. so why worried.. if u scared being alone.. u can come stay my hse.. at most i slp in the sofa.. realli" ..

von i noe if u read through this u will be tinking bout someting.. I WONT FALL IN LOVE WIF HIM OK!!. so dun worry.. i told myself i wun ever gg to step into relationship anymore tt soon cox i regretted of some tings ya..

n oh ya ppl.. if u r close to me go read more about aniety disorder or mood disorder ya.. the sign n symptom n wad the ppl will do.. n tell me straight in my face if i m doin someting tt is nt suppose to .. or shld i say tell me straight if i m losing control of myself again.. dun worry u will hurt me or wad.. but well plz dun jus shout at me to c doc.. it does hurt me like tt.. jus say in a nicer way ..

si thanks for ur help to find out more about the ting..but i myself started to suspect wad i havin after the day i break up wif him.. bcox the symptoms r much more obvious n worst.. n oh ya wad a time to break up somemore holi haiii...even hard to overcome..

thanks xiuling for all tt ting u have told me.. n a example of urself.. i now den noe i nt de onli ppl having this prob.. well i alr said nurse is stressful.. n after my bond i gg study pyschology cox NV WILL I CONT TO BECOME A NURSE IF ITS NT HAPPY FOR ME!.. find one day admit urself to hospital n observe everyting the nurse is doin n u will noe..

n to u.. if u ever come here... i nv blame u for all the ting.. for leaving me.. either is cox u like another girl.. or u found wad u wan.. or u cant stand my temper.. i noe things tt causes all tis over the time is cox of wad i hav done.. cant wait for ur reply everytime i msg u.. crying n seeking for ur console each time tt bring u burden.. wanting u to acc me everytime i m alone or wad so ever.. i wanted to say sry to u.. but all this is cox of my prob n i will go c a doc.. no nid for u to shout at me again.. n thanks for telling me all those reason y u dun wan me.. i starting to hate u.. but i dun wan.. cox its nt totally ur fault but some is ur fault well duno wad i talkin..
i wun blame u..

well shall end here.. once again.. thanks to si derrick xiuling n fad.. i beginning to noe more n starting to si xin le.. cox.. if i realli wan .. i wan a guy tt is understanding.. whu wun leave me cox of all this.. n a guy whu is nt scared of trouble (like wad si say)

* oINkz * ---- 5:33 AM

cheryl shall go MIA since today.. duno for hw many days hw long.. she is sick n tired of havin to act happy.. faking a smile.. chatting like normally in front of ppl she is tired .. tired of doin so..

nwaday cheryl jus in a daze.. no matter wad she is doin.. even she went out today to find a job.. she was in a daze duno wad to talk.. even crossing the road she was in a doze.. went to interview a job .. wrapping flower for valentine .. she tot as long as she has a job she wld b okie.. but she was wrong .. once she step inside the flower shop.. she nearly broke down.. holding bk her tears.. she used to say hw she dun wan flower.. but nw.. flower jus bring her memory.. but well nvm.. she din get the job either.. cox of her driving lesson she din get the job.. (which she dun even intend to pass the driving she hate the date ) n nw she doesnt hav ting to occupied her.. well dont know wan to b happy bout it or wad..

after tt went out wif zhiwei n fad they all.. cheryl jus seem so slpy.. her eye is tired.. she cannot concentate on things.. neither their conversation they was having.. she was jus plainly staring into place n once awhile replying to their conversation.. she laugh wif fake laughter tryin very hard to smile.. she hate to b home too.. having to fake out she is happy to c mao.. faking out she like mao when she reach hm.. she duno whr to go..

n tmr she has to fake up a smile again as she is meeting her attachment friend.. she dun feel like gg she hate to fake.. but she promise them n she has to force herself to go.. n after tt she decided nt to meet up wif any ppl anymore... she would roam ard singapore alone.. n find a place for her to cry.. she dun care she lie to her parent to whom she is gg out wif.. she jus wan to b alone.. nt faking her happiness n find a place to cry.. she is realli hoping tt her emotion wun let her do someting tt she shouldnt she duno wad her emotion will lead her to.. she is jus soo broken down..

y ppl understand me but nt u.. ppl noe y i m so bad temper.. i noe it was my fault i hate my job.. i hate being a nurse.. no oneunderstand hw stress it is.. having scolded by almost everyone.. patient..sister..doc..senior n even the junior nurse.. n wad worst as a student u cant even vent out ur fustration on them.. cheryl is realli tinkin is she having some mental disorder since her poly yrs in nursing..

and so cheryl.. nw after writing my blog was searching through whether she is having depression or other problem tt make her change become like tt... n nw she found some prob.. n she realli duno whether she is suffering frm them or nt..

Sign n symptoms of depression
- you can’t sleep enough or you sleep too much : (now gg to become slp too much)
- you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult : (obviously becomeing worst now as compare to the past)
- you feel worthless and hopeless : (ever since start poly)
- you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try : (well damn obvious i m havin it since poly)
- you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating : (seriously having it now..loss of appetite n is very serious)
- you are constantly irritated or become enraged even at small things – and this is new for you : (ever since my poly life)
- you have thoughts that life is not worth living, or have a plan for how you would end it : (tink about it sometime)

is cheryl really havin depression?

well she found another one..

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):
involves anxiety and worry that is excessive and unrelenting. This high-level anxiety makes normal life difficult and relaxation impossible. Eg, phone call to a friend that isn’t immediately returned becomes anxiety that the relationship is in trouble. ( YA THIS IS DEFINELY RIGHT I JUS FEEL SO UNWELL WHEN PPL DONT REPLY ME IMMEDIATELY N IT MAKING ME KEEP CALLING THE PPL WHEN MY SMS ARENT REPLY)

Physical symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Muscle tension, aches, or soreness : (muscle tension sometime)
- Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep : (obviously when i start worrying about ting)
- Stomach problems, nausea, diarrhea : (ya..serious gastric problem n i feel like vomiting everytime after i eat)
- Jumpiness or unsteadines (dont tink i have it)
- Tiring easily: (obviously havin it now.. jus feel like slping always )
- Edginess or restlessness (ya.. restlessness)
Psychological symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Irritability : (100% have since poly)
- Feelings of dread : (sort of)
- Inability to control anxious thoughts : ( very obvious i have it..but well..)
- Inability to relax : ( ya.. have it)
- Difficulty concentrating ( ya since poly..sometime i have it)
- Fear of losing control or being rejected : ( ya very very very confirm i have it..)

y? is this y i change to a totally diff ppl ever since poly n its becoming worst? i realli duno.. i m scared nw.. i duno duno is it realli true tt i m having them.. whu realli understand me? my emotion realli driving me crazy.. de sudd change of emotion.. i jus cant control them.. control my thoughts.. i m scared.. scared all the time.. is this realli y i change a person tt i cant even recognise myself? making me lose him? ..

cheryl is realli very hard to control her emotion her feeling.. its driving her crazy.. one moment she can b happy another moment she jus feel so sad.. so broken down.. its driving cheryl crazy..

is cheryl reali having them? i dun wan.. i realli dun wan..

* oINkz * ---- 4:21 AM

once again on cheryl's 2nd day of battle.. she lost to be strong..

she hate to wake up.. facing a new day so diff.. cheryl crying now.. no one to talk to her.. derrick working.. si in sch..

cheryl missing the day tt she used to have.. she still plan to go sentosa when her attachment end.. she still plan to take mao on his car to find kira.. but all this plan cant b make nw.. i hate to c mao now.. i m nt happy to c her when i'm hm like used to b i'm din miss her when i m nt hm like i used to be.. al thanks to all the stress she hav in her poly.. no one actually know my level of stress.. u all shld know when u become a nurse.. i noe i change alot my temper.. i do tt cox i m jus scared of being alone.. scared no one will care for me.. but whu will ever noe my real feeling.. he used to say"dun worry i m alway here for u.. i wun dun wan u" all those r jus lies..

rem when we were jus tgt 3mth.. i said i wanted to break off his r/ship but still i giv him chance .. but nw no chance were given to me..

ppl keep telling me.. cheryl.. y r u so stupid.. he dun love u anymore.. he dun wan u anymore.. y r u keep thinking.. n he is so jian ci not to return.. y r u still so stupid.. cheryl is stupid.. she is never clever.. she is blur.. n being a blur nurse make her more stress.. she dun wan to be blur.. but she is jus blur.. getting scolded almost for all her attachment.. but whu noes?

derrick told me.. he seem normal at work... din mention anyting bout u.. of cox.. he dun even love me.. y still bother bout me..

cheryl duno where to vent her feeling at .. n guess this blog is the onli place she can put her feeling in..

she still wan a hug frm him when she cry.. but she noe its impossible.. even if he return.. which 250% wun.. she told herself she wun accept anymore.. she hate being in relationhip.. she rather be a ni ku for the rest of her live..

she wanted to find him.. find him ask me to read my blog.. hoping for his return but i noe he wun.. all those r jus stupid dreams of me..

cheryl is stupid.. she is weak.. she is scared of lonliness.. sometime when she c wall she feel like banging her head to forget.. sometime when she taking train she feel like jumping dwn the track.. she is scared of lonliness.. she is scared to b at hm.. cing her dog.. bringing her memory.. hw she could forget him wif all this ting ard..

derrick realli dun mention his name or update me anyting.. i dun wan hear.. i can onli avoid.. sometime i tinkin shld i jus face him straight to force myself forget or should i jus cont to avoid n miss him? i noe i will break down cing him.. cheryl u musnt miss him.. ppl alr dun wan u..

cheryl been crying everyday.. everyday morning.. every aftrernoon every night.. cheryl u r stupid.. there is no chance given to u alr.. so u dun hope for one.. no matter hw u ask him.. thr is still no chance no love means no love.. cheryl u r stupid..

* oINkz * ---- Sunday, February 01, 2009 4:55 PM

okie.. first day of cheryl battle lost.. its easy to say n easy to tink.. but afterall its nt easy..

going all those places which bring me memory it hurts tinkin hw happpy we use to be.. i hate to go those places nw... cheryl hate to go shopping nw.. or shld i say nt hate but is phobia of gg those place..

nw cheryl dun even wan to interact much wif her dog.. it bring her memory.. she feel like sending her dog away but she cant b so irresponsible.. n she noe she will regret doin so...

went over to find derrick at his hse.. tot wld make me happy.. jus cox of a stupid sentence i ask of.. make me break down.. but somehw i found tt alone wif him at his hse make me even break down.. it remind me of him.. hw we used to b tgt.. lucky si call us to chat n i was happier.. but it didnt last long..

n oh well.. when i haven even reach his hse.. i make a stupid mistake.. he stayin 257a n guess wad.. i went to 258a nt knowing the blk in the 1st place tot since both a so is the right block.. went up to lvl 12 n come out c hw come diff deni notie i went wrong blk..

cheryl wanted to be dote like used to be.. sometime she even think of jus getting another guy to occupied her.. tinkin will it be able to help? .. but all those is jus cheryl's thought.. she wanted to but she told herself she wun ever get into a relationship anymore.. she is afraid of being hurt.. she is afraid of all those ting.. nw to her.. her friend is the most impt ting.. they kept her company.. cheryl wun get into a r/ship anymore she wun..

hasnt been eat much ever since tt day.. n ppl if u c me like thinner alot de next time u c me dun b shock.. cox i everyday also onli eat 2 meal.. n each meal i nv even eat more then 1/4? n i din drink much .. i feel hungry but after eatin tt few spoonful i m full n feel like vomiting..

well.. cheryl is tryin to b strong easier to say den done..

derrick.. ur repair shop doesnt seem to work now.. unless si come..

* oINkz * ---- 4:26 AM