thr goes darling bk to his camp again..

wondering when de next tiem i will c hin..

all alone again...

back from malaysia..

the trip to malaysia is fun.. but tiring..

shall update when free..


hai coming bk simply make me moody.. it jus remind me of my illness.. lonliness soon again...

today at work sux.. duno wad happening to me.. my mind jus nt in place.. argz..

n therefore i get poke my needle 2 time n cut by paper one time.. n one of the needle is from infection case.. well.. i use de needle on eqip.. hope thr is no blood on the equip.. hai..

n thr i go.. working with 3 plaster on my finger..

esp tt one tt is infection case one damn pain.. nid poke too hard.. argz..

hai..

cheryl is starting to close the door of hers to ppl .. she is trying not to.. but her tinking n heart jus start to close bit by bit.. she is scared wad she will do if she realli close..

cheryl tries to b happy n find someting interest.. but somehw.. thr isnt anyting tt is interesting to divert her attention.. n tt is one of the symptoms of depress "wad use to interest u.. doesnt seem to interest u anymore".. hai.. tryin all her means to divert her attention .. tts y she is slping so damn early when she gt nth do.. but she will wake up early too.. haiii..

god.. tell me wad to do.. plz..

cheryl is tryin to b happy..

but its jus so diff with her illness..

she hope she can slp.. but every night she had nightmare.. slpless for few day..

death occur in cheryl's mind alot alot of time.. n whenever she has the tot.. she will alway tell herself.. i cznt.. cox darling will be sad.. i miss cing him.. n each time tt tot occur i will tell myself i hav to live in order to c him once every wk.,..

cheryl hate her illness she reali hate.. esp when tings trigger off tt feeling.. esp when tings trigger off her emotion.. esp when ting trigger off her tense.. she would jus cry n cry non-stop..

cheryl feel so hard to control her emotion.. she jus hate it...

everytime when tings happen when her tense n her feeling come... she will find ppl.. making her feel tt she is nt alone.. but sometime finding ppl make her even feel worst..

i hate my illness i jus hate it.. no matter hw hard i try to control my emotion.. thr r tings sure trigger it off..

cheryl duno hw long her tinking.. her motivation will last .. she realli duno...

cryin like hell now.. but nw she wish to find no one.. n she hate ppl talkin sarcastically to her.. even though she knoew its her fault.. i jus hate my illness..

thr goes darling to field camp tmr.. slpless night...

tried to slp bk without tinking anyting.. but i jus feel so tense.. my heart jus pump so fast.. try to breathe in n out but i jus cant slp back..

off on sat wasted haii..

its so suffering.. i hate the feeling.. i wan to b okie.. i realli wan.. sometime i jus feel like dying.. i hate tt feeling...

i wan slp.. i realli wan ...

wake up cryin again today..

hw long more can i take it?

thr go darling to his field camp again from thurs to sat.. i was still very happy tt i got my sat off.. can meet darling go out play.. but now all the hopes r gone.. so wad i have my sat off.. darling bookin out at night.. sat all alone again..

n sun i m working afternoon.. n mon daring bookin in.. so wad i hav my sat off..

cheryl jus feel depress easily.. cox of her illness..

n recently she been having sleepless night.. no matter wad time she slp .. she jus will wake up at 5+ n she cant slp bk.. she will feel tense..

the med make her wanna puke.. losing her appetite.. i m so sick n tired of it..

missing my darling.. my sat is gone.. i wish i wun hav my sat off tis wk.. i wish i hav work.. to occupied myseld.. i wish i wish i wish....

happy 4th mth to my darling.... i m havin off..

i hate my illness.. cheryl realli feel suffering.. she is tryin to do everyting she can to occupied her mind..

but she jus cant concentrate on her work.. to the extend tt she even acc poke herself with needle.. hai...

today thurs..

went to c a doc.. n she said i might be having anxiety disorder n mild depression..

cheryl is scared..

she tryin to fake her smile after cing doc n she succeed..

cheryl is realli scared..

hw i wish darling is beside me now.. hw i wish i have darling to talk to.. cheryl got alot alot alot of tings n feeling to say..

hw i wish darling is beside me now.. cheryl realli nid someone to hug n cry.. i realli miss u..

cheryl now dun like work dun like b alone.. but somehw she rather go work den bein alone..

cing doc again in 3 wks time but she scared.. n tis time rd she is gg alone.. cox she knew forever she cant hav ppl acc her.. she knew forever darling cant b acc her..

i realli miss u..darling.. i realli hope u r here for me to hug n cry...

cheryl realli nid someone to let her hug n cry...

when den i can hear frm u darling..

fear..

the med she eat.. make her feel like puking now.. hai .. again...

today is wed.. n thr goes darling 3rd day in army..

sry darling.. cheryl fail today.. cheryl has been tryin hard to b strong for the past few days n she did.. succeed for 3 days without crying..

n today.. cheryl failed.. hw i wish my darling was here to talk to me .. to hear me talk.. to let me cry to..

cheryl feel so lonely.. so lost.. tt she jus wanna cry..

tmr cing doctor.. but cheryl feels scared... she wanted to c a doc but she feel scared.. dun tink tt she feel comfortable saying out tings infront of a stranger..

cheryl suceed in keeping herself in gd status for 3 day.. but she jus failed today... she jus so wanna be alone nw.. so she off her hp.. cox she dun wanna disturb ppl .. de onli way to does tt is to off her hp n keep herself away frm others.. i m realli nt feeling alright..

guess today cheryl should jus force herself to slp early but den she will wake up early if she does so.. n she fear wad will her feeling be like when she wake up tmr..

cheryl so wanna go for drink.. tinking should she sneak out of the hse at night when her parent r slping to go drink.. realli realli realli feel like...

everyday cheryl will jus look at the sky.. tinking wads darling is doin now... is darling okie.. is he xing ku in the forest.. bcox she totally has no idea hw he is doin.. worrying does nt help.. the onli ting tt she could do is jus to wait till fri or sat.. cox she dun even noe when darling bookin out..

looking at the sky outside now.. tinking wad is he doin.. worrying tt his rashes may get worst.. doc say is fungal infection.. all she can do is jus to look at the sky n tinking wad is he doin.. n wondering hw is he...

so wanted to travel.. but can she? she noe she will enjoy herself n be happy when she travel.. but darling in army.. dun even noe can travel nt.. hai if nt wrong muz sign someting.. well.. i guess i jus better dun put too much hope..

realli nt feeling okie.. should i go for a drink ltr? but i noe my gastic dun allow.. hmmm..but i realli wanna...

today tues .. my darling 3rd day in field camp..

cheryl successfully din cry for 2 days.. cox she control.. n guess i m too tired...

hai my preceptor jus msg me say she off today.. ahhhh... all da best to me.. haha... well hope i dun get too stress up..

waiting till fri.. wondering my darling bookin out fri or sat...

thr goes my darling to his field camp for a wk..

a wk uncontable cox his sergent keep his phone..

wondering hw is he inside n is it suffering?

now i now de feeling of realli missing..

finally goin c doc on thurs.. glad n yet sad cox darling cant acc me.. but its ok i dun blame him..

promise darling i got to b strong.. n so cheryl tryin nw to cry... tinking mayb she should get sleeping pill.. haha so tt she can slp when she gt nth to do hmm..

now the onli ting cheryl can find to motivate her.. is comin sat n her trip to oversea with darling on her annual leave.. tinking whether her parent will allow.. whenever i tink of tis ting.. it jus make me happy.. nt realli happy.. as in.. finally tt is someting i can realli enjoy.. hopefully her parent will let her go oversea.. she realli wan to relax.. realli realli realli...

feeling lonely with no darling n friends around.. friends r busy.. darling in army..

missing my darling realli lots..

been tinking of days whr me n darling was tgt.. the place tt we go.. the tings tt we do.. days when we were even tgt.. tears jus drip.. i realli miss my darling..

days wif darling dun hav to be fun to b happy.. i jus feel happy when i m wif darling.. though thr might b quarrels...

i realli miss darling.. cing doc next tues if thr is appt.. well.. but darling will b in camp .. one wk without contact..

cheryl jus feel lonely.. without frends without darling..

every1 is jus so busy..

cheryl jus wanna say:
darling i love u lots.. i realli miss my darling.. well he is bookin out this fri n book in this sat.. n the out in the forest he go .. uncontactable for the wk.. lookin toward fri? i dun even look towards at all.. alr feel lonely.. n nw.. cant even contact darling.. i jus gt no one to talk to..

cheryl wana say thanks to her friends esp von.. tryin to help her thanks lot..

cheryl wanted most is to go oversea with darling.. but she doubt she can if jus onli the 2 of them.. so she hope sept she can hav...

i realli hate my illness.. wanting to c doc.. but....

cheryl jus cry everyday..

fear n stress tt no one noe nor understand..

thurs.. a day tt i hope it will come soon n also a day tt i hope it wun ever come..

hope it will come soon is cox darling will be booking out on fri if nt wrong..but also useless cox i working afternoon on sat n morning on sun..but better den nth n hope it doesnt come is cox i got scan n also darling field camp starting on the 26th till 31th .. uncontactable for a wk..

scan.. whu noe wad may happen after tt.. may be i will b hospitalize again.. trying to tink it possive.. tryin to tink it might nt be.. but i hav history of it.. so higher risk i might hav it again..

i wish darling could acc me to the scan but i knew tt is no chance at all tt my wish will come true.. bcox i knew it is impossible.. totally impossible..

beem hospitalize for 2 day 1 night.. pain tt is so so pain tt even cannulation is nth to me.. i dun feel tt pain at all.. wishing darling was thr but i knew its impossible.. told myself i hav to b brave n go through all tis.. bring me for all those x ray n scan.. 2 extra 2 scan.. with doctor telling me suspect gall bladder stone.. renal prob.. n i told myself i hav to b brave.. de result show tt everyting normal.. n thurs i m goin another scan again..

in hospital.. afternoon i was left alone cox my parent r busy.. i told myself i hav to b brave.. so thr i go.. goin for de scan everyting alone.. being left alone... forcing myself to slp to kick those boredom away.. to prevent myself frm tinking..

thurs... i m scared.. realli scared... crying bcox i jus cant kick tt fear away frm me..

yest went NDP with von cf n darling... cox von gt 4 tix..

n they got tis balloon making tt i like.. n darling knew i like it.. so hw bluff us he is gg toilet.. n he went to take one for me n von.. n he knew i like purple.. so he went to alot of ppl in order to get a purple one for me.. so sweet of him..

i knew he mayb irresposbile at time.. i noe ppl may dun like him..

mentally unstable.. n nw this.. i m tired of life.. fear n stress is all i feel.. been a sick baby since young.. went hospital 3 time to stay n duno hw many other times to c doc..

exam on tues.. haven study.. n yet everyting make me so hard to concentrate..

darling field camp for a wk.. 1wk cant contact at all.. lonely .. wondering can i survive?

fearful.. fear nw is more den stress..

cheryl is nw at hospital.. admitted.. hai so borefd

luckily my sis bring lappie here..

i m missing darling.. hw i wish he can b here next to me.. n acc me..

but cheryl din cry cox he is nt here.. she wanna b brave even though no one free to acc her in hospital .. but she has her bolt..

missing darling

normal?

jus wad is normal in cheryl world?

she jus dun feel normal..






cheryl wnana upload her elmo photo here.. but it jus cant send to my com.. argz...

happy 3rd month anni..

is belated though haha..

shall update more next time..

hai .. nt feeling well again.. tt feeling come bk..
docdoc.. when m i free to c ..

sometime i jus cant help tinking.. y me n von is the one doin most of the ting in the clique.. whrby sometime ppl dun even appreciate..

or should i say whereby none even offer to help..

so i should call this friends?

if ppl r busy? den arent we 2 busy too?

while i m even working shift work?..

n plz stop pissing me off.. u noe whu u r.. i m busy wif work n i m tired out..

n nw i m here doin someting.. WHR NO ONE EVEN SUGGEST IT AT ALL OR OFFER TO HELP..

but nvm at least i do it frm my heart ..

hai work is getting more n more busy ..

yest morning was super busy... i realli dun like morning shift.. although onli got 6 patient i incharge but its of no better den 9!!.. u noe y.. haha let me explain to u..

yest me n my preceptor (the one whu was suppose to guide me n help me when i nt sure of thing n check whether i m corretc in doing my ting) was in the same room.. YEAHHH!! but u noe wad.. she was junior n i m in charge!

junior does all those taking of blood pressure.. sponge n bath patient.. change diaper.. fetch patient n send patient whu go for procedure.. write all those chart .. of wad patient eat n hw much they urine n shit..

n in charge nid to do all those changes for 6 patient .. write report.. serve oral n iv medicine.. giv inj..

n sooo thr go onli with we 2 in tt room.. n best is although onli 6 patient.. 3 go RT.. 1 go 2D echo.. 1 go a procedure call CVC insertion 1 MRI 1 CXR.. my preceptor was like sending patient here n thr.. n i nid to help her sponge some patient cox all is bed bound.. n than best is when my preceptor went send patient.. another patient was going for another procedure n insist on changing diaper b4 going n i was serving my IV med .. with needle in my hand..

hai.. jus yest i been stand for 12 hr without my butt touch de chair more den 1 min n nv eat anyting or drink a drop of water for 12hr.

CLAP*.. n guess wad.. when i off work i gt no appetite to eat cox was so tired but hav to eat jus fgor de sake of eating hai.. n i hav been slimming down again.. cox reall no apptite..

yest morning was crazy n i do all the changes myself.. without my preceptor checking.. haha so scared got ting do wrong.. haha.. but still junior job is the most xing ku one.. my poor preceptor..

slp till goin 10 today cox my mum wake me up.. nid go work ltr.. hai..

darlin went to book in.. n so here i m all alone.. i duno y i keep havin tt feeling n its gettin worst.. realli tryin very hard now..

jus feel lonely.. duno.. maybe all r busy..

n nw.. cheryl muz learn to b to b alone.. when ppl free ask me ba.. askin ppl out n result ended up like tt time hai.. well von noe i m refering to wad..

sometime i jus feel like gone for the world for a moment.. so tt i wun keep wanting to find ppl but i duno wad i will do.. i realli duno.. mayb nw i shall try.. i jus feel like pinching myself.. but it isnt pain at all hai..

darling also found me a doc.. maybe sat if he gt book out he will bring me go c.. if useless den go von one ba..

duno.. i m realli very lost.. haiiii...

missing darling..

hope nth go wrong n he can book out on fri or sat..

hai.. yest make me feel worst.. till nw i m still feeling horrible...

so sry i lost my temper.. but everyting tgt make me so piss..

maybe my temper is realli gettin worst...

hai i realli wan c doc.. haiii...

yeah darling gettin out today...

WeLcome!~
enJoy uR sTAy hEre

* chEryL
* 09/09/1988

*lub...
-> dar...
-> all mY fRiendsssssssss...
-> yAngyaNg n mEh mEh

*haTE...
-> lIar
-> bAcksTabbEr

*... mY fRiEnd tO b hAppy ...*
*... MysElF tO bE happy ...*
*... gT alOt $ bUy ting ...*
*... reSult gdgd ...*

...dAr...=D
...vOn...
...sI...
...hAlkAl...

*yAng chOng by yAng zHOng wEi*

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