Si Meh and his house

slp till goin 10 today cox my mum wake me up.. nid go work ltr.. hai..

darlin went to book in.. n so here i m all alone.. i duno y i keep havin tt feeling n its gettin worst.. realli tryin very hard now..

jus feel lonely.. duno.. maybe all r busy..

n nw.. cheryl muz learn to b to b alone.. when ppl free ask me ba.. askin ppl out n result ended up like tt time hai.. well von noe i m refering to wad..

sometime i jus feel like gone for the world for a moment.. so tt i wun keep wanting to find ppl but i duno wad i will do.. i realli duno.. mayb nw i shall try.. i jus feel like pinching myself.. but it isnt pain at all hai..

darling also found me a doc.. maybe sat if he gt book out he will bring me go c.. if useless den go von one ba..

duno.. i m realli very lost.. haiiii...

missing darling..

hope nth go wrong n he can book out on fri or sat..

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, June 30, 2009 7:04 PM

wad happen yest teach cheryl to spray holy water to work..

i was in charge of bed 1 to 6 den my guide 7 to 12.. but she was busy with her own ting.. hai.. den my patient nearly collapse.. i was with him for like 2 hr.. runnin up n down in the ward n in a suana ward..

den call doc here n thr.. i nv encounter b4 lo.. duno wad to do also.. den my guide so busy.. haiii

den run ard den finally send him to ICU b4 he collapse nid few min late he will collapse.. den also duno hw to write report... cox din send b4.. haiii....

ended up i come bk frm icu nid do other ppl stuff.. haii.. no time even for water.. so thr i go frm 103o am till 10 i no food n but got go drink a little frm my own bottle haiii..

off work i was like so hypo n giddy cox no food n no sweet ting..

argz..

tis teach cheryl to spray holy water when she go work..

darling bookin out tmr!!!!!!!!!11 yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!1 but den .. i work afternon! haha

* oINkz * ---- Friday, June 26, 2009 7:35 PM

yest was so sux.. i got 3 empty bed n so i got 3 patient onli..

den at night at 845.. 2 new admission came n den the night shift ppl say i cant cope even with 3 patient.. my preceptor even say with them .. so damn shit.. i onli left de report to write finish.. n i hav been helping her serve her room med okie.. say guide me yest also din guide me at all.. she busy with her own room.. den when pass finish report i still nid fniish my 2 new adminsion which come at 845..

den she say huh got 2.. i tot onli 1.. den i feel like sayin if nt i so rush for wad. no time to write my report ..

fuck sia..

is nt i cant cope okie..

hw can u say me when u nv guide me at all.. n u dun even noe i hav 2 new admission?

it simply sux thr haiii...

* oINkz * ---- Thursday, June 25, 2009 6:54 PM

yest work wasnt realli gd.. it jus so sux.. i feel so worst cox i duno anyting.. hai.. n at the end of the work i feel like cryin immediately cox i was realli very stress..

tis time cry nt cox of my illness .. haha.. is cox i m realli realli very stress.. its time i should buck up realli.. hai...

sms darling n he has fallen aslp while waiting for me .. cox i offwork at 1015.. haha.. best right? overwork till 10+ hai..

n i wanna cry when i offwork .. but my friend was thr so i jus tahan n tahan .. n when i jus step hm.. i cry out like hell.. i feel sososo stress.. i duno whu to find.. cox its 11+ when i reach hm n i duno whu is free to listen to me .. guessing the girls might b busy.. jus nice jx find me so i talk to him..

n tis morning darling msg me .. msg wif him awhile i cant slp bk i start to feel tense .. try to slp but lie for one hr.. all work ting come to my mind.. try nt to tink but it jus come n come.. cox thrs so much ting i duno n today staff all is nt gd one.. cox all gd one is off today .. hai.. n i jus cry n cry.. n once again i duno whu to find.. i feel so much like slashing myself.. but i jus start to pinch myself.. try to call darling bk n his hp is off.. guess he is busy with training.. i duno which girl i can find.. so ended up i find jx again.. n he teach me hw to relax.. n indeed it does help.. i fall aslp bk.. thanks jx..

today will nt b a gd day.. cox all the staff r nt gd.. n i duno much ting.. hai.. sure gana criticize.. ppl.. if u free can let me find u.. tell me k? i guess today i will break down.. very worst hai..

another few more days darling comin out.. i realli miss u darling..

* oINkz * ---- Wednesday, June 24, 2009 6:26 PM

yest was my off day.. n guess wad.. i wake up.. n the first thing my mum told me was..
" ur sis forget to pay the bill n so.. the internet n scv got chop off"..

den i was like damn sian cox tv ch all so boring.. n no internet use.. so i start to sit on chair n stare blindly.. n miracly i din feel so tense or sad or wanna cry.. i jus feel bored like hell.. cheryl was indeed a guai girl yest..

but.. the reason is cox i was sick haha.. sudd fever.. 37.8.. den when the fever came down to 37.5 i went out to eat souel garden!!..

n today.. cheryl wake up feeling scared n tense.. hai tink is the way i wake up ba.. jump up.. n feel so lonely.. but she told herself she wasnt.. n she told herself 4 more days darling is comin out.. so nw she is tryin to occupied her mind... so tt she wun cry out.. n tryin to calm herself now..

she take temp again n is 37.4.. no fever!!!!! i wan fever!!!.. yest hav today den subside.. sianz cant take mc.. hai me n fad was so wanting to hav fever bcox both of us seemly hate tt ward.. its jus so political... n my side is worst den her... haiii...

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, June 23, 2009 5:52 PM

cheryl hate the feeling.. she realli hate the feeling..

jus yest morning cheryl break down again.. no matter hw she try.. sometime she jus cant control.. all she does yest was to pinch herself she duno y.. n its onli when she saw the mark thr till today den she realise she had pinch too hard..

n today.. she try calm herself down in the morning.. n somehw she succeed a little.. she sitll can controll.

hai sometime she can control but sometime she jus cant.. n when she lost control she jus cant tink properly..

missing my darling lots..

been waitin for calls everyday which i dun even noe will it come or can talk hw long.. jus waiting aimlessly each day by my hp.. keeping my hp wif me every single moment.. evening when i m bathing.. cox i duno when darling wld secretly msg.. even jus a msg or 2 make me happy..

n nw cheryl is holding on to her phone.. waiting aimlessly again.. n she duno when thr will b calls or sms today.. she jus wait aimlessly.. even when she is starting to doze off.. she force herself to stay awake..

* oINkz * ---- Sunday, June 21, 2009 6:42 AM

yest wasnt realli gd..

cheryl break down ti the extend tt she nv try b4.. its so much worst.. after mitting her friend.. she jus break down.. she went loitering alone near her hse in a very quiet place n start crying by herself... in a way she nv ever cry b4..

she wanted to find someone talk to her .. but she realli duno whu.. all she does is to sit thr n cry all by herself..

she keep finding darling... n finally he called her bk..

during tt moment she was alone she tot of lots of ting.. but she told herself she cant..

i duno y.. i realli duno y.. i jus feel so tense n lost control sudd.. to the extend tt i realli wan do anyting to make myself better..

darling manage to calm me down alittle yest.. n ask me to go hm.. but soon lights out alr.. n i was thr alone again.. tryin to calm myself even more..

n today.. i keep waking up on n off frm 5+ 6.. i trieed to breath in n out.. calm myself dwn.. but i m realli tense down.. i cant find anyone.. darling is nt thr wif me .. i cant find him..

i duno whu to find i realli duno.. all i does is to cry..

i noe i m a nuisence a trouble.. i alr tried for the past 3 days.. onli 2 days successful..

i realli miss u darling.. onli u will alway b thr for me to talk to.. but nw i hav no one..

i m realli tired of asking ppl out.. tis wk tues n sat off.. onli mon morning shift.. de rest afternoon shift.. but tues gg out wif poly friend.. cox nan de all off..

darling i realli wan u nw.. i cant find anyone..

i realli duno hw long can i survive.. i tried i alr tried..

counting down 8 more days...

* oINkz * ---- Friday, June 19, 2009 5:23 PM

waking up.. feeling tense.. n darling din msg me in the morning.. telling myself he must hav been overslp n rush for tings.. well .. hope at night he will contact me.. if he can..

wishing my darling wun start smoking in the camp.. but will my wish come true? hmm.. i noe its hard to believe he will nt .. haiiiiiii... "social smoker" is wad he mean..

waking up feeling tense n worried.. wanted to cry but i told myself... i alr promise darling must try nt to cry n b happy.. so thr i m nw tryin.. i din realli cry today wor.. i hold back my tears n find tings to occupy myself..

been finding ppl go out past few days.. so tt today i off i will b less tense.. well it indeed help a little.. cox slightly easier to control my mood n feeling today...

ltr late evening gg out wif fad they all to buy evon present.. hmmm.. at 5 pm.. wondering can i survive by myself till tt time alone!.. i shall try!..

darlings is bookin out on the 28th if nth went wrong.. but well i m working on the afternoon shift on the 28th.. hai..but nvm de following day i on course .. at least can mit n go out for dinner.. den de following day i work morning.. n he has to book in too haiiii.. book out also mit awhile.. well at least better den nth..

been so tired recently tt jus yest.. i nearly get knock by car 3 times.. twice when i go n come bk frm lunch.. n once at night.. duno is i m tinkin bout tings.. i m staring blindly or i m jus too tired..

counting down to 28th even though i cant mit him much.. 9 more days to go..
i miss u darling...

struggling to control herself..

thanks ppl =)

* oINkz * ---- Thursday, June 18, 2009 6:50 PM

cheryl is struggling to hold on.. tryin her best..

cheryl jus keep on cryin when she is alone.. n she is controlling nt to cry cox she promise her darling she shouldnt cry.. but she jus cant control..

alot of tinking.. she realli cant stand tt feeling inside her.. thrs a feeling she duno hw to describe.. she jus feel like crying.. n i duno hw long i can take it.. she hope tt she dies.. n sometime she wish she is.. nw she nt tinking onli bout cutting herself.. but she control herself.. tt she must hold on..

nw i rather go work.. although tt bitch alway pick on me.. today even say my name out loud in front of ppl.. n even though sometime she stress out till she wanna cry in her ward... at least tt feeling doesnt exist cox she was too busy..

hate work.. hate off day.. wonderng fri hw can she survive? cox its her off..

struggling to hold on...

missya darling.. till nw i stil din manage to contact darling much.. duno wad is happening at all..

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, June 16, 2009 8:15 AM

staring at the com.. duno wad to do.. got no mood to do anytings..

wanted to study but all i feel is moodiness and tiredness..

wanted to study.. but i cant concentrate.. i knew tis wld happen.. i noe wad is gg to happen tmr will affect my study..

darling gg tekong along.. i wanna acc him.. but i working afternoon.. hai.. tinking of taking MC.. faking MC so tt i gt time to study n acc him go.. but tink twice i shall jus go to work.. i hate the feeling of leaving..

i wish i fall sick.. too sick to even go to work.. better is fever.. i realli wish i m having..

tmr work afternoon.. wed exam.. planning nt to slp tmr after work to study.. well but i noe i cant make it.. even din study also 4 hr of slp.. study,.. no nid slp.. hai..

feeling loneliness.. all i feel like doin nw is to close myself in the rm .. n cry.. i realised i realli cant stay at hm .. my tinking went wild.. i feel so scared n lost.. but at the same time.. even though i wanna mit my friend go out.. but i m sick of the ans i get everytime i ask which make me disappointed.. so nw cheryl decide to lock herself at hm .. no matter hw worst she is feeling.. unless ppl ask her out.. tis wk she having her off on mon n fri..

i wish one day i couldnt take all tis n go into depression.. to the extend tt gg IMH.. so tt i can use tis excuse to change my ward..

i m realli nt feeling ok..

*gone*

missya my darling....

* oINkz * ---- 8:06 AM

today is a sun n i m working afternoon..

i m so tired.. soso tired.. but i jus cant slp..

wait up in the morning 7+ feeling so tense n afraid.. tried to smooth myself down.. breathing in n out.. dun tink of ting.. but i jus cant.. but i m realli tired.. tears jus drip down.. i realli hate tis feeling..

feeling like cutting myself again but i noe i cant.. so thr i go "jus imaging it..cutting myself.. tinking of blood drip.. hoping i will die.." haha but tt did succeed i doze off for awhile less than half an hr?

i reali hate my work to the core.. i feeling like terminating my bond n pay tt sum of money.. i reali hate tt place.. i m jus like a fool to everyone.. no true friends i can make in thr.. everytime working i will jus look forward to off day to brightened myself up.. mitting darling or my friends.. nw.. darling gg army.. i hate work .. i hate off day bcox thrs no one i can mita anymore.. friends r busy.. thrs no day to motivate myself anymore..

i wanted to find someone to talk now.. to brighten me up.. buts thrs no one now.. no one..

i m nt normal anymor.. seriously i m nt..

i hate work.. i m scared of loneliness..

mon n fri off.. but fri.. i wasnt lookin forward to it at all..

i m realli nt feeling normal.. i duno hw long i can take it before i realli did silly ting.. i jus feel like closing myself in my room n cry non stop..

i noe i m a burden to u.. i realli try.. i realli m nt normal..

thrs realli no one i can find now.. no one...............................................................................

* oINkz * ---- Saturday, June 13, 2009 6:30 PM

i m reali tired..

tired of my life..

loneliness.. n tt feeling is so suck..

i hate it when ppl say one ting but de action is show other way round.. since u appear.. ting slowly changing..

changing to depression soon?

cheryl is tryin hard to to cry in her ward.. cox everyone is lookin down on her.. n she look like a fool to everyone.. a useless bum.. n hardly ppl teach her ting..

* oINkz * ---- Thursday, June 11, 2009 6:28 PM

afternoon shift today.. hai..

once again .. waking up i jus dun feel gd.. n i m realli tired.. i realli wan to slp but i jus cant..

alot of thoughts alot of tings.. i tried nt to tink n slp back.. but its jus so hard..

16th jun comin.. n darling gg army.. i guess i m jus scared of alone.. n i duno whu to find to talk when i wan someone to talk.. i scared when i m alone my mind will wonder even more..

i realli duno whu to find.. i jus feel so lost..

i guess its realli time i should c a doc soon.. its back.. n it realli is..

i realli duno whu i can find.. to talk n to go out..

i realli nid slp..

* oINkz * ---- Tuesday, June 09, 2009 6:00 PM

yest.. enjoy lots..

went out wif darling..

first went darling hse watch twilight.. nice nice..

den went china town make his spect.. den go watch movie.. monster vs alien.. well nt tt nice afterall to me.. cant wait to c UP..

den went to eat korean BBQ steamboat somewhr at bugis.. nt bad neh.. though ex.. den went to alps for a small drink den went hm ..

n today went to NP to take darling cert.. den study for me.. den went his grandma hse.. well but i din reali enjoy today..

cheryl was tinking whens de last time she realli feel happiness.. real happy.. hw she used to b happy everyday.. when she use to b a happy go lucky girl..

16th jun i realli hate it..

she noe tt she is gonna b lonely soon.. cox all her friends r busy.. n when she work.. she hardly gt time to even contact wif them.. its time i should adapt my life soon..

cheryl tink alot today.. she realli feel unhappy today.. but she duno whu she can find to talk.. days to 16th is jus gettin nearer.. hai..

mit my parent for dinner today.. n she told herself she cant cry.. so she control.. but somehw one or 2 tear drip down.. but luckily no one saw..

she is sososo tired.. her shiftwork making her crazy.. all she wants is to slp n realli hav a nice slp..

its been long since she hav a nice ncie slp.. alway wake up in de middle of night.. more den 5 time.. dreaming every night.. jump up frm her slp every morning.. hai..

m i jus crazy? .. sllpy slpy me..

n u bitchy "sister".. i did nth to u so jus stop aiming at me in work.. i pass out frm a very diff work.. n everyting nw is difficult for me to adapt.. i m tryin to n tryin hard to learn.. telling everyone in the ward .. " those new staff.. you must buck up.. u r here for few weeks alr.. u must be good in everyting esp junior work" ya .. n on tt day onli me n another new staff working.. n she was a prev enrolled nurse.. u r sayin me right.. jus say my name la.. nt de first time u picking on me.. damn u.. hope u gana karma.. n nv pass ur uni so u wun get a chance to b a real sister!.. u r nt suit to b one..

hai.. tryin to like her ward..

* oINkz * ---- 5:58 AM

hi miss gg out on sat ... hai but nw i m alway working afternoon on sat.. n thers no way i can go out wif darling on sat again cox hes gg army next wk.. n my friend r all busy working.. well.. now i dun wish to work morning or off at sat... cox i hate to stay at hm at sat.. since nw no1 can go out wif me i shall hope i work afternoon on sat..

i m jus so disappointed whenever i tink of wad von told me tt wad 'she' was feeling. haha so tis is call gd friend? .. trust? hmm..

but i realli miss all my friend..

today sun.. working afternoon again..

hai.. i knew de sister hate me haha..

illness comin bk.. shall i go n take my med?

von guan jia si...jl.. i miss u all :(

16th june.. comin.. I HATE IT..

exam on 17.. hai wonder will i hav mood to study?

somehw i m looking toward tmr n tues.. my full day enjoying wif darling.. last 2 days tt i can realli go out play wif him.. haii

* oINkz * ---- Saturday, June 06, 2009 6:14 PM

working make me so tired.. my hand ache from struggling alone to sponge weak patient.. whu is bigger size den me .. n my back hurts frm all those shifting .. i gt no strength to use the correct technique to life patient so i can only struggle.. haha.. i knew my back prob will come soon.. cox seriously its hurt.. haiiii...

yest work alone as junior struggling.. been 2 days din go for break.. n i alway hav my lunch at 4+ haiiiiii... n din even hav time to drink a drop of water.. n tt fucking cleaner THROW MY WATER BOTTLE AWAY.. when i put at de pantry.. HELLO IT DUN LOOK LIKE A USELESS BOTTLE TO U RIGHT... so piss yest.. nid spend m,oney buy bottle again.. ltr i shall go n buy.. irritating..

hai in a wk or so time darling is gg army.. i knew i will b alone.. haha right darling? frm wad i told u yest.. nvm i shall try n survive.. which i duno i will nt? .. hmm.. haii.. i m so disappointed stil over someting.. well.. darling noe de best.. n jx nt refering to u la.. haha..

after slping for so long i m stil tired.. when den will i hav enough slp.. hai... n i realli feel de aching.. n keep no time for break.. my gastric prob sure will b back lo.. damn it.. haiii..

ending here.. gg study soon.. I GOT NO TIME STUDY.. THANK TO U SISTER.. giv me gd shift.. thanks huh.. haiiii..

frm wed onward afternoon morning afternoon morning afternoon.. I HATE TIS.. STRAIGHT 5 DAYS WORK LIKE TT

muacks.. ending here..

* oINkz * ---- Thursday, June 04, 2009 7:20 PM

cryin in the mornin again..

n wake up findin my darling..

i scared i will break down when darling nt ard me .. when he is in army.. cox i duno whu to find every morning..

yest night i get to noe some tings..

haha its jus so disappointed when u still tink of me tt way.. n i knew now i din choose de wrong route..

at the same time i wonder darling can stand me hw long..

hai..

ending here..

i left no time to study cox of my sucky shift work.. the sister jus giv me sucky timing..

* oINkz * ---- Monday, June 01, 2009 6:20 PM