31 aug..

hee.. went back nyp c fan yi chen today.. wahhaa... so nice... say something happy .. dun wan say nt happy one.. cox everything on my head... so keep happy one can le... hee.. he sing 5 song wor... includin my i believe..hee..n quite handsome.. wif tong en.. hee.. manage to shake hand wif him.. hehe... se aunty.. nahz... jus kidding... yest night so happy.. cox finally can to c him.. heee... too bad my stupid phone de video so lousy can load 10s nia.. argz... nvm.. hee...

my van singing.. woooo....
him n tong en... haha

he singing again...

haix.. more n more thing on top of my head.. c i m gettin shorter.. can realised tat... tired...

hmm... seems like for my past entries... all quite unhappy.. tink write some happy thing bahz..

[[25 sept]]..

went wif si n guan go yo hse.. c got any vcd to lent n occupy myself lo.. buy some alcohol wif guan n went to yo hse drink hehe.. guan lend de vcd... final destination 3.. scary... chit chat awhile there.. of something in de future.. haha duno y chat till there sia.. overall.. i m so happi to c my lao po..!!!

[[26 sept]]..

met my darling... went to pasir ris n cycle.. nearly scared out of my hell sia... =.= argz... den went go k pool n play pool.. saw lao de n chun de there sia.. n of cox... drumstick.. yummy... making me hungry again... overall its a fun day...

[[27 sept]]..

hmm..went out wif my poly friend.. acc my mama as she have to go back malaysia le... so we decided to go escape.. nt we.. is them haha.. too bad we have odd no.. so my mama ask her yeye.. which is my tai gong come.. ended he is de onli guy.. haha.. so sadz... went for a few ride.. the pirate ship was funny... n of cox.. the haunted mansion..!.. so paiseh sia.. de first time go in wif jy zw n xl.. haven start walkin yet all run out.. haix... den de 2nd time my mama n tai gong.. manage to walk finish.. haha all thank to my tai gong huh.. it was a fun day.. n i make a new frend =) ..

as for today.. went to buy my ah ma shoe... 59.90 sia.. heart ache.. ouch its pain... one big hole sia.. haha.. den went to mit guan n si shop awhile den go hm le lo...

hmm.. though for tt past few day... it is quite unhappy when night time come.. but still i enjoy it in de daytime...


lookin forward to shoppin spreeee wif my dar...

plz.. stop askin me anything bout tat...
i m okie wif anything..
i m tired..
plz dun make me dun feel like goin...
n stop telling me anything tat make me unhappi...
i rather i dun hear it....


feel like lockin my self in a black rm.. away for de world...


de onli thing i m lookin forward to...
is shopping spree wif my dar now..
i wan spend lots n lots of money...
cox tats wad i do when i dun feel happpy...
n i miss my dar...

i m realli tired.. i realli cant stand it anymore.. all de things.. i try to make myself adapt to all de changes.. sch.. new friends.. close friends all seperated.. studies.. my bond..but things jus start coming to me.. esp tat matter.. though i said i dun wanna care anymore but its realli hard.. ur words realli scared me.. i noe u dun meant it.. i m now so scared to u.. scared of every word u say.. cing u make me recall everything.. i jus hope everything will settle soon.. i m now so scared of cing u n tokin to u.. its nt ur fault.. jus my own mental pro.. i m jus crazy.. y jus cant u be a real man facing it.. at least it make me feel better.. but i noe u wun.. hw i wish i can jus get tat depress mood away.. its reali making me crazy... the attitude u giv me jus nw tryin make my mood even depress... i jus wanna go hm... its all started wif me.. its my fault.. makin all tis thing happening

i tried hard to be happi wif my friends.. n get back my past me.. i tried hard.. manage to be happi but y everytime when i m happy u spoilt me... makin me all depress again.. its nt ur fault.. jus that i m nt feeling realli gd.. for de moment i dun wanna c or tok to u on phone anymore till de day that its settle.. but i tink it wun... i rather be alone den facing u..it jus hurt me.. n bring me to that feeling that i wan to kick it away...

i jus feeling like closing myself alone in a small black room.. away frm de world.. staring into space.. doin nth.. sleepin all de way... dun care bout anything outside de world.. i jus wan to be a sleeping beauty.. nv wake up..

maybe by writing all tis out may make me feel better... but i dun tink it does any effect..

if tat somebody u miracle happen to pass by my blog n c tis.. jus dun come find me.. i m scared... when i m better.. i will contact u myself...





finding myself on de route to depression.....

i try to find back de past me.. but find it hard.. i told myself i muz be happy in order to find back myself.. i tried.. realli hard.. but each time de happiness is onli for tat moment.. i tried to make my day happier.. callin someone to chat.. but still... it make no use.. jus duno wad is happening to me...

yest.. feel realli depress de moment i reach sch.. jus duno y.. i realli dun like de feeling in there.. wif de people.. is nt tat they r nt gd.. but when i c tat tai jingyi.. i dun feel comfortable at all.. i dun care if any of them c tis blog.. cox i m jus nt happy wif her ard.. i noe i hav to adapt to changes.. now i m tryin hard to adapt n adapt her also.. she realli giv me a feeling of lonliness i hate her.. but i noe i cant.. cox she is my grp leader..

sch jus sux for me.. i hate goin there... tears jus drop nw yest when i m in sch..so decide to find my dar.. but she is outside..n i found myself hard to talk so hang up instead...i wanted to quit sch.. but i noe i muz cont.. maybe c de result bahz.. jus wonderin y muz i still attend it when it make my life so miserable.. i realli feel like givin everything up n leave de world.. but i noe i cant...

people may tink tat i m crazy or irritating.. but i jus cant control my feelings.. but still i will try to find myself back..... i duno i can nt.. it may be tough.. but i will try.......

jus duno wad is happening to me recently.. i felt realli depressed.. jus feel like cryin all along.. ever since poly i've nv been happy bfore.. nv... recently i feel as in realli feeling of dieing.. death jus occur in my mind.. when i study in my rm.. i jus simply stare at the penknive.. playin wif it.. n whenever i tot of tis i will jus leave my rm n sit in de living rm... tink i m realli on de route to depression.. i noe i have ben bringing trouble to everyone... but jus duno y.. my mind keep on askin to do tis n tat.. like someone controlling it..

sometime jus had de feeliin of loliness.. i noe i m nt.. cox i still hav my sec schs.. they r wif me.. but i jus duno y my mind keep tinkin bout tt.. tats y i keep callin ppl to chat i guess.... now.. i have set a goal n tat is to find back de past me during sec life.. intendin to achieve tis goal durin holiday.. realli wif the help frm all my friends..i cant do it alone..but duno can nt.. cox its realli hard.. esp when something is like controlling me.. i jus feel like a nuts... crazy... i maybe be happy tis moment.. n maybe be sad de next.. i may be happy today but depress de followin dayz.. so i tell myself i have to find back myself..

today paper sux.. flung again i guess.. if realli pass tat is realli a miracle.. jus wonderin y muz i cont my sch when i m nt happy in sch... esp wif that TJY.. i try to be nice.. try to take de effort.. but in de end if tat is wad i get den forget it.. i c the true colour of u.. ever since u join us.. dayz in sch is even bad... n i m even unhappier... i jus hate sch.. how i wish.. de 3 yrs will pass by fast.. i jus duno y.. m i so suay to be de same as u in everythin!.. cing u bad me feel like slapping u.. u make me even unhappier.. tink bout of it tt i dun feel like goin sch is cox of u..

tink de onli ways to find back myself is after my attachment bahz.. but i m so scared when sch reopen.. everything went back de same again....

i m realli all stress up.. jus duno wad is happening to me...
i m realli tired... facing my bio...
i jus cant study in anything...
i realli feel like giving up...
my heart is totally nt in studies anymore...
whenever i face the bk.. i tend to be scared..
n alway finding ppl to chat wif me..
tink i m realli fan bahz..
n sorry si if i giv u alot of trouble..n keep on fan u...
i reali duno wad is happening to me...
i feel like crying... keep on cryin...
tink i m realli bcomin a nuts...
send me to woodbridge plz...
i m realli tired...
de onli thing make me happy is when i c my darling.. my friend...
but guess its onli for the moment..
where is the past happi me..??

feeling all mess up.. dun even noe hw to cope wif studies.. as long as i open up my book.. de feeling jus came in.. n thinkings start to come in.. make me realli hard to concentrate.. each time i open up my bk.. de feeling jus came up.. i duno hw to concentrate sia... at hm facing my bk realli make me depress... sometime tink i m realli crazy... out of nowhere feel like crying.. realli tired...

all these tat happen.. it realli tired me out.. i noe tat my mental realli abit crazy.. so i will get scared by little thing.. nw till exam... i muz avoid u.. cox i m so scared tat wad u say will frighten me again.. i onli wan concentrate on exam.. thoughs it realli hard..

i m tired,, getting tired by all my feeling.. jus hw to make it away.. sometime realli tinkin whether i m havin mental pro sia.. wanna cry out of nowhere... everytime at hm i will jus stare blankly.. i wan a long rest.. forever...........

i m realli happi to have my friends.. dar si guan jl von.. n of cox my darling.. i noe they r alway been here for me.. cing my darling today cheer me up.. but goin one whole wk cant mit him.. hw i wish i can get back my normal self.. but i duno whther i can nt... cox everything have change....

hmm.. ltr gonna study again... sian.. tmr paper is all based on memorize i m gonna die.. tonight gonna burn mid night oil.. already done badly for my today paper.. duno hw to pass.. i even fail de 30% n nw this 70% sux too.. got a prepare heart is all i can say.. cox of all de things tat happen make me hav no mood for study yest.... even if i pass tink is jus bahz.. duno can pull up total grade nt..

after all tis tat have happen.. i sudd got afraid of u.. of wad u sayin.. i noe u r kiddin.. but de words realli scared me.. days was bad yest.. realli dun wan lose any friendship.. maybe i shld stop contacting u for the time being.. cox.. scared wad come out of ur mouth scared me.. i onli wan to study for my exam nw.. dun wan to be like yest.. after exam den c hw bahz...

hmmm... haha jus nw heard frm radio.. heard of something... someone say.. love someone is easy but to find someone u love n someone tat love u is hard... n i m glad to find tat someone.. sob.. my one n onli necklace is lose.. sort of bu ji li.. haha.. but nvm.. as long as i dun tink bout it can le...

life still have to go on.. n its sooooo boring... siannn...

haiz.. have to go study le end here le ba...

after all tis tat happen i m realli tired of life.. i jus wanna die.. y m i nt dieing.. life is no longer meaningful to me.. jus giv me unhappiness.. trouble.. n sadness.. my life is no longer like de past.. happy.. it wont come back.. i giv up.. used to trying hard to make my life in the past back.. but i no longer can.. tmr havin exam... but i giv up.. totalli no mood to study in.. jus y m i born in tis world.. jus let me die.. i have enough of life.. 18yrs i dun wan live any longer.. i giv up on myself.. i dun wan to go on wif life.. but still tryin hard.. waiting for my day to end.. hopin it will come soon...

ppl say is the 7th mths now.. hungry ghost festival..y de ghost dun wan to take my live away.. i no longer scared of them.. hw i wish they can jus take me away frm tis world.. in my sleep or when i m awake.. i jus dun wan to be in tis world... things i dun wan to happen keep happening... i giv up on everyting.. jus bring me away frm tis world.. tonight.. plzzzzzzzzz... i beg u.. hao peng you... if u realli exist..

ppl.. if u c tis entry.. jus dun care bout me... jus wanna write tings dwn..i m jus crazy.. insane.. forcus on ur studies nw.. is all i can say..

yAwn***... hEex... hEy... i manage to log in... hee.. luckily my dar help me wif the blogskin den i tell her my user name n pw.. den i go c.. finalli i can log in... haha thankz to my dar .. if nt i duno will tink how long...

hmm... duno wad to say.. all i wan is to be wif sec sch friend.. hee... cox they nv fail to make me smile... yest is a bad day.. dun wan mention it.. go c movie come hm study.. but seems like study make me headache.. too long no study le.. ltr whole day study somemore... i wan faster over exam.. but exam over le.. den... wad for again.. attachment.. nv ending... after attachment holiday jus duno do wad sia.. bored is all i can say...

holiday holiday.. anyone can help me tink of wad i can do at hm..? i gonna rot man...

[[12 aug]]...

its a bored day in the morning is all i can say...wake up at 6 goin all the way dwn to SGH jus for some stupid lame talk.. which my friends n i didnt even bother to listen.. cox.. its jus so boring.. n den we run off after stayin for 2 hrs... buai tahan.. realli goin doze off... den went to sengkang.. to mit my darlin n niaoo.. den one of my friend come along... study a little while there..
den.. night time come.. went to c firework wif von..my darlin n niao.. but someting happen tat niao went to join chin thai they all.. hump.. n den wee kiat come along wif us.. manage to squeeze in the crowd in order to get a gd view.. nearly become flat pork man.. n soffocating... difficult breathing is all i can say... but when the firework start.. its is worth while.. so beautiful.. better den tat time i c one..

[[13 aug]]...

today is my darling n me tgt de 8th mth... time realli fly by fast.. went out in the late afternoon so tt can have time to study.. went to east coast.. hmm.. ppl say go to beach is relaxin.. but y for me is depressed..i jus cant understand y... den went to geylang to find some food.. den go hm lo.. haixx... after today miting.. tink have to wait till fri den can mit le.. have to study..
since day of poly... i nv enjoy my life bfore.. sch started for bout goin 5mth le ba.. i still cant get used to it.. diff way of study n diff type of friends.. sudd feel tt my happiness all gone.. cox without my close friend wif me.. maybe jus like wad my dar say.. it take times.. shall c bahz.. hmm... btw.. any one got job or wad.. no nid pay haha.. cox realli wan find something jus to occupy myself during holiday if nt.. i shall be rotting at hm.. either watchin tv.. staring at com or sleeping.. helpppp... realli wan find something occupy myself.. yawn...

hmm.. tink end here le bah.. realli miss days in sec sch.. but zuo ren muz look forward.. so i will try...

hmm... haha.. today went to meet si for lunch den go sch.. after sch went her hse n study den went j8.. hmm.. tryin to make myself nt to tink much.. cox tink i realli went crazy... haha.. will find someway to make myself happi...

i feel as if something is controlling my feeling.. i dun wan to tink so much but everytime de thoughts jus come up.. better find someway to stop it bfore anyone find me irritating haha.. or tink i m crazy...

hmm.. tink tat i m jus nt used to the sudden change.. sudd change tat all of my friends went to diff sch n can hardly mit.. n the life in poly.. n the friends there.. maybe is the reason that i m still nt close wif them.. sometime giving me a feeling that i m being left out.. as if i m alone.. but i noe i m nt.. cox i still have my sec sch friend.. though hardly can mit them but i noe they will alway be there n nv gone.. but sometime is like realli something controlling my feeling.. makin me scared all of something.. tis has been disturbing me for bout 1 mth.. help me...!!!!!!!!!! but nvm.. i will find myself back... hee... i jus miss everyone...

today is national day.. but i jus dun have de mood.. as in its like the usual sch day.. n in fact is the worst holiday for me.. at first my mood was veri gd.. went to mit wei he.. niao.. n jon to eat breakfast at khatib... joke along wif them... den went to niao hse.. wait for him to bath n take thing... something happen but nw okie le...

den went to kfc wif niao n guan... something happen or shld i say word..??which made me scared n feel loneliness all of a sudden.. mood was dwn all the way but nw its abit better... jus tat bit...

sudd jus so scared of loneliness... jus duno y.. i jus feel diff world frm them.. though already quite long tgt.. can count long bahz.. tink so.. i m realli tired.. realli hope i wun wake up forever.. tat way tink i will be happier bahz....

wEnt tO mIt aLl mY fRiEnds Yest.. aLmosT aLl theRe excEpt sOme.. sOrt of fUn.. n crAzy wIf vOn aRd.. wEnt tO eAt m plAy pOol... bUt sTill it wAs kInd oF sIan coX wE dUno wHEre tO gO.. dUno y i rEallI dUn hAv to mOod tO go oUt.. bUt i dUN lIke sTayIn aT hM... eveN wHen i m oUtsIde tHE fEeling sTiLl cAme uP.. dUn fEel lIke dOin anYthIn.. dEn duno cAN dO wAd..

wAke uP toDay wIf thIs mood aGain.. hW i wIsh i cAn dUn wAke uP... slEePin n nV wAke uP fOrevEr.. i liKe tHE mOment wHen i'm slEepin coX iTs tHe onLi wAy i gOt tHing tO dO.. n dUn HAv tHE fEelin.. jUs hAte tO wAke uP..

evErywhEre i gO.. tIs sTupId fEelin sTick wIf mE.. y iT love mE sO mUch.. i dUn lOve iT..
i lOve mY fRienDs.. my dArlin.. nt it.. gO aWayz...
tInkin bOut mY fRiends.. esp mY dArlin.. bUt he iS aT wOrk nOw...

jus wake up frm my sleep... its jus 730am i jus hate the way i wake up every morning.. shock up and got scared.. wan sleep back also cant... yawn*...

hmm.. i jus miss my sec friends.. n look so forward to c them.. wif all of them.. i realli laugh frm deep inside my heart.. cox they realli make me laugh... jus miss the days in sec sch..

ever since poly.. we hardly mit.. made me sad... when the gathering turn out so little ppl cox many was nt free.. i m so disappointed.. but nvm.. cox they r nt free.. maybe somewhere in the holiday shld all mit up n play again bahz.. hope so can bahz...

since the day i enter poly.. i feel tat i m diff world frm them.. maybe still nt close enough bahz.. i laugh n smile but sometime its nt realli deep inside my heart... jus duno y.. we r like diff world.. maybe as time go by in poly life.. it will become better bahz...

still prefer sec sch life... how i wish i can go back.. n be wif all my friends cox they r realli the one whu cheer me up.. but i noe time cant go back.. n i hav to accept tt.. so have to go on..

today went to find jinhong at the ice cream shop he working.. hard to find the shop.. n hav to climb a total of 90 steps.. we sort of gt the way there.. bought an ice cream frm him.. so big.. me guan n jx eat like siao...finally get to c jinhong workin.. hmm...

after findin lao de.. went to mac cox chun de hungry.. sudd.. sort of got the scared scared mood.. told myself cannot scared.. but jus duno wad i m scared of.. if scared holiday nth do.. still got my friend... if they no time acc.. the most i stay at hm.. though is wad i dun feel like.. but if realli nth do tats the choice.. sch start 4 mth le.. friend in poly are gd.. but we are like frm diff world... i miss the sec sch life.. n my sec sch friend.. tink they r the one whu realli noe me well.. now whenever i m sad n scared i tell myself i cannot scared.. cox i alway have my sec sch friend to acc me.. guan..si..jia..von..my darling.. n all of my sec sch friends.. though mental still unstable.. but i will try n overcome it.. cox i noe i have them wif me.. thz lots.. my friends n fat cow.. realli happi to hav u guys ard me...

now.. the onli i wish to do is to lie on my bed.. sleeping for weeks.. days.. years..nv wake up.. or jus simply stare into space n do nth.. but i cannot... muz study... haix.. will try to find the 'me' back again.. happy me with no worries.. laughin deep inside my heart...

haIx.. hope i m not suffering from depression.. duno y.. i sudd have tis scared scared feel.. scared of sch? scared of exam? scared of being alone? scared of this.. scared of that.. i also duno wad i m scared of.. i jus feel like cryin n cryin for no reason.. even yest.. when i m play badminton.. i jus had a sudden feeling of scared... all of a sudden.. even wif guan around me.. hold back my tears say i cannot cry.. duno y i jus scared... maybe scared of exam n being alone..??

call si yest.. n cry infront of her tink she got shock.. haha.. i duno y.. i jus hope someone can talk to me.. so i find her.. cox tink de other nt hm yet.. when we hung up i become better abit.. onli tat little bit.. but i m realli glad to have my friendsssss... they cheer me up often...thz lotz.. i feel better letting it out..cox it has been in my heart for bout a month.. i always try to make myself smile..laugh..but its onli for the time-being...

den my darlin call me.. nt long after i hung up wif si.. of cox i cry again.. jus tinkin wad the hell m i scared of.. he acc me all along.. till his mum scold.. thz lotz.. i m realli happy to have u ard wif me.. n i realli feel the care all of them..my friend show me... thz si n darling for ur comfort..

went to sleep early yest.. tink too tired after all tat crying.. when i reach hm all the way till i sleep.. jus tinkin wad i m scared of.. hw i wish i can find out.. so tat i can solve it.. scared of lonliness??.. or worry tat friends will tink tt when i have my fat cow.. i will them..?? tats y i've been trying to make sure tt i make time for the both of them.. to me.. both friends n cow is impt.. veri impt.. tink i m too stupid to tink bout tis.. or m i worry about exam..??? hw i hope i can find out the truth...

sometime.. i jus wish that i could fall asleep without waking up forever... but every morning.. i still wake up.. tink i shld jus focus on my studies now first.. n try to throw all the feeling away.. but i jus cant stop havin the feeling.. tink i've been tinkin too much n stressing myself.. i will try n overcome it.. cox i wan the 'me' in my sec sch n work life... n throw away the 'me' when i started goin poly.. i wan to be the happy me again.. trying to search it back..

WeLcome!~
enJoy uR sTAy hEre

* chEryL
* 09/09/1988

*lub...
-> dar...
-> all mY fRiendsssssssss...
-> yAngyaNg n mEh mEh

*haTE...
-> lIar
-> bAcksTabbEr

*... mY fRiEnd tO b hAppy ...*
*... MysElF tO bE happy ...*
*... gT alOt $ bUy ting ...*
*... reSult gdgd ...*

...dAr...=D
...vOn...
...sI...
...hAlkAl...

*yAng chOng by yAng zHOng wEi*

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